Chapter 152
I pick the pair of basketball shorts that Damian favors up off the floor near the chair. They dropped to the floor when Cole’s reaction caused him to stumble and almost fall. I lean over in the chair holding them open for him to step into. He starts with his uninjured right side, sliding his leg inside easily. It’s when he attempts the same with his left that he struggles. He tries twice, wincing badly each time but fails to get his foot high enough. Before I can encourage a change in tactics, he lifts his leg even higher, but he can’t bite back his yelp.
I cringe at the sound as I quickly get his leg into the hole of the shorts before gently pulling his leg back to the ground. He’s grabbed a hold of the post at the end of the bed with both hands as he whimpers through the pain. I pull the shorts up his legs and the waistband gingerly past the burn. I can see red spots appearing on the white gauze covering the open wound left after surgery. Dr. Pierce changed the bandage this morning.
On top of discovering the silver in his blood his infection appears to be worsening. I’m hoping to avoid another surgery on his leg. My understanding is that she has added a stronger IV antibiotic to his growing list of medications this morning. The only time he’s left the medical wing today was when he joined us for dinner.
I pause at his waist, gently letting go of the elastic. Just as I had hoped, he has the same stockiness of the average alpha just not the height, making the legs long and loose fitting but the waist fits perfectly.
I react swiftly as I see him start banging his forehead on the post. Damn, this shit must be hurting him badly for him to resort to this. I place my hand on his head as I speak firmly.
“You’re not going to do this. Come here.”
He freezes at the sound of my tone but makes no effort to move.
“Come.”
My tone is still firm but with a gentler note as I pull his hands off the post and onto my shoulders. I’m relieved when he follows my movements instead of fighting them. He lays his head upon my shoulder again, his ragged breathing carrying a persistent soft whine behind it. I sigh deeply as I place one hand on his waist and the other on the back of his head, slowly combing my fingers through the lightly tangled strands.
“This isn’t the best time to ask this, while you’re experiencing so much pain and anxiety. But it will help me to understand why you reacted the way you did after I allowed you to teach my daughter.”
He pushes himself off of me and looks into my eyes. For the first time I see confusion mixing with the underlying fear he always seems to have.
“Allowed?”
He sounds shocked but I’m pleased he was able to pick up on my wording considering the state of mind he’s in right now. He shakes his head hard as he drops his gaze to the floor again.
“You didn’t allow it, alpha. I made a deal with you. You take your pound of flesh from me, not her.”
“You did.” I state simply with a sigh. “But I only agreed to allow you to teach her. I never agreed to punish you in her place.”
I place my hand under his chin but he roughly pulls away, telling me exactly where his mind has gone. It’s going to be a struggle to get him back but I’m quite strong willed myself.
I place my hand under his chin again. This time there’s no pressure on him to move but he’s uncomfortable with the contact and moves out of my grasp.
“Cole,” my voice is patient but concerned.
“Have you been punished for complying with something as you would for your defiance? Like right now. I want you to look at me. You know I do. Yet you’re as afraid of giving me what I’m asking for as you are of defying me.”
He’s trying to move away from me, I can feel the pressure on my hand as he tries to find a way to get past without hurting himself or touching me. It’s not a purposeful position, but he has no way of achieving his goal without climbing over the bed.
I wait silently as he figures out what he wants to do. It doesn’t take long for him to swallow hard and nod his head, unable to actually speak. I try again, gently placing my hand on his chin. It’s only when he realizes that I’m pulling him towards looking at me that he pulls away again.
“It’s the fear he sees.”
I stop a moment as him telling me anything is unexpected.
“Cole?”
“He punishes me for the fear he sees in my eyes when I look at him. It’s a weakness. The very thing he’s trying to get rid of in me.”
I place my hand on the side of his face as he’s becoming desperate to get away from me. To his frustration I counter his every move, staying gentle but firm with my movements. It’s only as his desperation peaks that I give him two loud clicks with my tongue freezing him in his place.
“I’m not your father, Cole, and I’m not like any alpha you have ever worked with. While I don’t expect you to trust it, as trust is extremely fragile, I do need you to understand it. There is more that I wanted to say to you before you broke eye contact with me. I need you back, Cole. I need you to understand me and how I work as much as I’m trying to understand you.”
To my relief he stops his fight but he’s stiff and shaking hard. He’s facing me but his head is down and his eyes are closed.
“Cole, I need you to look at me.”
“Alpha please,” his voice is now desperate and pleading.
“No alpha has been able to handle seeing the fear within me. I’m sorry I’m so weak. I know I’m not deserving of being here and I understand if you send me back once I’m well enough to travel but please don’t force this. You will hurt me for the fear you see. You have been so kind and supportive the last few days, I can’t handle that from you.”
There are so many emotions coming through in his voice that I’m struggling to react. I remain silent after he finishes his plea. Slowly, I place my hand on the back of his head. I can feel him tense up with my contact but he doesn’t fight as I gently run the tips of my fingers against his scalp. I wait for his reaction to my contact to calm before I make my next move.
“Cole, I’d like to get you to sit back on the bed. I’m going to go next door to my room and get the half milligram sublingual Ativan. I would like you to take it as I feel you are very close to a panic attack and I want to avoid that. I need to understand why you reacted the way you did with Madisyn.”
“Red Moon.”
“Something happened at the Red Moon pack?”
I’m trying to understand his simple response. He steps away slowly before whispering “yes sir.” His head is still down as I gently touch his shoulder stopping his shuffle away from me.
“Cole, look at me.” I try one last time.
He lifts his head and opens his eyes. As many times as I’ve done this with other abused wolves and the few times he’s managed to do it himself nothing could have prepared me for the level of fear that I see. He only holds his gaze there for a second before turning away. I reach my hand out towards him. Moving slowly as he’s already told what has happened in his past. Lightly hushing his desire to whimper or yelp, I touch his face before moving to his temple and gently brushing his hair back. With my voice barely above a whisper and my other hand at his side I gently guide him to the bed.
It doesn’t take long for me to get the medication and head back to the room. I knock lightly again, slowly opening the door as the young man’s anxiety is already higher than I want it to be. I step inside slowly. I can hear Jessa and Damian talking downstairs but I’m too far away to understand their conversation. I know they’re good friends. They have been ever since she saved him and the lives of his two closest friends. They even started dating a month after he turned eighteen.
I’ve tried inconsistently to get close to Jessa. She lost her parents as a teenager and her alpha didn’t understand her gift. She had been in and out of a dozen or more packs from the time she was fifteen until Angela found her at Purple Mountain three years ago. Angela knew of natural healers and how much I was interested in adding one to my medical team. I just got lucky that at almost nineteen she already had her nursing degree. It didn’t take much money or time to make her a pediatric nurse practitioner and an invaluable member of my pack.