Chapter 192
I enter the bathroom to find that he’s still sitting on the floor where I left him. Kneeling down in front of him, he struggles to look at me.
“Cole.” I whisper. “Let’s get you off this floor. Alpha’s going to come back in a few minutes. I’ll get him to show us where the thermostat for this room is. It’s a little cold for you right now.”
I keep my voice soft and gentle as I stand again. I reach my arm out to help him. I can tell that it’s a struggle for him to get to his feet again but he eventually manages to do so with a long groan. I guide him slowly to the bed where he sits on the edge.
“Cole, I need you to watch as I know you don’t trust me and it will be even worse in your current state.” I instruct him gently.
I hand him the bottle of water knowing that he would want to look it over.
“Don’t open it yet as I feel your tremors will make it difficult for you not to spill it. I’m going to help you take some medication and drink the water until we can get this panic attack under control.”
He nods in response to my instructions but I already know this is going to be a huge challenge. I can feel his mind racing and his gaze is locked onto a spot on the floor. He is in an extremely submissive state even though it feels like he’s ready to put his fist through the wall, a feeling that my past doesn’t take lightly.
“Take the bottle and look over the cap. I’m going to open it in front of you so you can see I’ve done nothing to it. I’m going to do your medication the same way. I know it’s going to be a challenge but I need you to take the medicine that I give to you.”
He again nods silently without taking his gaze away from the floor.
“Cole, take the water.”
I’ve taken on a firmer tone this time and it appears to work as he finally looks up enough to take the bottle from my hand.
“Now, you have two options. I can open it in front of you and drink enough of it that your tremors won’t cause it to spill or I can open it and set it on the dresser until you’re ready to drink from it.”
I’m quickly disappointed as all Cole manages to do is hand the bottle back to me before dropping his head in submission again.
“Cole, what are you most comfortable with?”
I soften my tone again but all he can do is respond with a frustrated whine. I sigh as I place the bottle down. Getting down on my knees, I crawl my way between his legs. I place my arms across his knees, forcing him to sit up off them and look at me. I take my time moving my hand towards his head.
“Why is it hard for you to answer my question?”
I can easily tell the chaos that he’s feeling as I watch his eyes dart quickly around the room.
“There’s no correct answer.” He whispers. “If I have you drink it first then it comes across as checking to see if something is in it. If you set it down in front of me it comes across as verifying you're not adding to it. You’re my mate. I’m supposed to trust you. I want you. Goddess do I want you but I don’t know how to do this. You deserve so much more.”
I stand suddenly as he finishes speaking. I’m once again caught off guard by the way he speaks of being undeserving of me. As nervous as his agitated state makes me, I listen to my wolf and step between his legs. He sits up, making room for me as I wrap my arms around his shoulders and pull him into my chest. His body is stiff with his arms held out to the side. I can tell he wants to touch me, hold me as I’m holding him but the demons within him bind him tightly to the unreasonable expectations he is forced to live by.
“I never meant to cause you conflict.” I whisper as I play with his hair.
“This is about your comfort. You tell me what would make you comfortable taking medication from me. Neither answer is a show of mistrust.”
I continue my slow caressing of his head and hair, waiting for him to relax.
“Am I hurting you?” I whisper as he twitches every time I touch him.
“No.” He responds stiffly.
“Talk to me Cole, I know you’re uncomfortable with what I’m doing.”
“It’s unfamiliar.”
He keeps his explanation simple but it’s still heartbreaking to hear that my mate is unfamiliar with a loving, comforting touch.
“Are you ready to try and take some medicine? I noticed you already pulled the Effexor out. What else do you need?”
“Ativan, some Zofran for my stomach.”
He whines quietly as I pull away and start searching for the medication he needs among the pile of pill bottles on the dresser. I can feel him watching me as I open the Ativan, take one out and return to in front of him.
I place the pill into his mouth, watching patiently for his spike in anxiety to result in him rejecting the sedative I just gave him. Once I’m satisfied that the pill has dissolved I return to going through his medication, pulling several pills out before placing them in his hands.
Considering his spike in anxiety that trying to answer my question created, I open the bottle of water and take a long drink before placing it into his other hand. I watch as he pops the hand full of pills into his mouth before finishing the water but his calmness is only temporary.
Once the bottle is empty, he stands suddenly with a fierce, frustrated growl. I keep my distance as he paces the floor between his bed and the window, from the bathroom door to the wall. His head is tucked down in submission. His hands aggressively move from his sides to his hair before he repeats the actions. It’s obvious his agitated state is growing and it’s making it difficult to maintain my resolve to help him.
His pace quickens as his agitation turns to aggression. I can feel his anger and frustration growing through the bond.
Shamefully I can’t help but start backing away into the doorway, my own anxiety getting the best of me. I shake my head as my breathing quickens. The last time I felt this way was when I was cornered by Alpha Maddox of the Purple Mountain pack. He and his beta had just found out that I was an empath while I was trying to stop one of their doctors from accidentally killing the beta’s son.
It has never been explained to me why most packs equate an empath with being feral, but they do, and every alpha before joining Alpha Demetri has purposely weakened me with silver before abusing and eventually raping me. I was convinced a long time ago that such treatment was the standard for making a feral submit to the alpha’s demands.
As a child I was bold and confident, yet humble in my knowledge. By the time I reached sixteen and found myself kicked out of the fourth pack I had tried to join in the year since Alpha Declan abandoned me, the bold, confident pup was long gone.
I yelp and turn to run as I bump into someone behind me. I blackout, pushing myself violently away from the firm body that strong arms are holding me against.
“It’s okay Jess. It’s just me.”