Chapter 196
“It’s really important that you listen.” He gives me a nod. “This is not going to be a true spar. I will tease you. Touch you with the pads until I get you hitting but as I told you a few minutes ago, you’re the only one throwing the hits. The padding that I’m wearing is a precaution as we have never sparred so I don’t know anything about your strength, accuracy or technique. The youngest I start training is eleven and that’s only when specific things are met with the pup. I usually don’t wear padding when working with them. Now, would you like to try using gloves?”
He shakes his head as I verify everything I want to use is in place.
“Okay Cole. We are going to start slowly. I’m going to reach my padded hand out to you, I want you to meet it with your fist. This is just touching, not hitting yet.”
I start with my right and he slowly touches it with his left. I repeat with my left and he follows with his right. We continue this warm up for a minute or two before I start moving on.
“Now, I want you to follow me. We are going in a circle. I side step to the right, you counter me to the left.”
I start my movements slowly, continuing the soft hits as we go. He does well when I don’t warn him about changing directions, following me when I do.
“Excellent Cole. Now I want you to start hitting when I say hit.”
I continue with the warm up exercise as I speak hoping the distraction and clear instructions will make it easier for him to follow.
“All hits are to stay above the belt, no feet are to be involved tonight. You can use any technique you’re comfortable with and your targets are the pads on my hands. As I said before, the chest and head protection is because I’m not familiar with your accuracy or strength and I don’t want you to be afraid of hurting me. You are to take all the anger and frustration you’re feeling out on me, on these pads. You can’t hurt me and there are no penalties. If you land a bad hit and jam your wrist, you will stop immediately so we can take care of it.”
He nods silently confirming my instructions.
“One more thing Cole.”
“Yes sir?”
“I need you to talk while you’re doing this with me.”
“Sir?” There’s a nervous waver to his voice.
“I’m adding the exercise Julie started in your bedroom to this. Whatever comes into your head you are to speak it. Scream it if it helps, but we need to know what you’re thinking. It will give us guidance on the best way to help you through this attack since you don’t know what triggered it.”
He nods in confirmation of my instructions but he’s moving stiffly as I switch directions again, continuing the warm up exercise that I started with him.
“Are you ready?” I ask gently as I watch the young man’s face change. His calm demeanor quickly fading away back into the panic that never left.
“Please alpha, I can’t do this. Please don’t force this. I can’t…. I can’t….”
He’s struggling to find his words as I pursue this style of venting. It’s hard for me to imagine what it is he must have endured for him to have the terror he’s experiencing now.
‘That’s never stopped him’ rings in my ears as I slowly increase my speed, trying to amp him up without triggering a black out episode. He just confirmed one of many fears that make it so much harder to help him. He confirmed again that he has been punished, I imagine violently, for doing as he was told. Knowing how he came here, I don’t need him to tell me what his penalty was for listening as I’m certain it was just as bad as when he didn’t.
“I’m not your father Cole. I will never punish you for compliance. You need to hit these pads and hit them hard. Let me feel you. Let me hear you. Start now, Cole. Hit me.”
My tone is even but firm as I give him the command. His first hit is weak and hesitant. He’s resisting the exercise even though it will ultimately help him.
“Again Cole, hit me.”
He throws another, hitting the pad with barely a sound. I switch directions causing him to follow. At least I know he’s focused on me and nothing else but his stance is defensive, not where I need him to be for this exercise.
I strike his left fist gently with my right trying to bring his attention to the task he’s been instructed to complete.
“Hit me, Cole.”
I increase the force in my voice trying to get him to comply. He manages two hits this time, one right after the other, one to each hand. His breathing is erratic, his eyes frantically trying to find a way out but in such an unfamiliar area it’s proving difficult for him to spot the doors that lead outside.
I hit his left hand again, this time with a little more force. Enough that he responds with a small, surprised yelp and pulls back. This time I follow him. His eyes widen even more, his fear is slowly turning into anger.
I do it again. This time hitting his right with my left. I know with the pads it’s not hard enough to hurt, even with his sensory issues. He responds the same.
A small, fearful yelp only this time he has a few small whimpers following behind.
‘Are you certain you can do this without putting him into a blackout?’
I can hear Patrick’s concern in my head as I continue my tease. Every step away from me he takes, I take two towards him. For every weak, hesitant hit he makes I hit back. It’s not a punch of any kind considering my hands are strapped into two inch thick memory foam bricks that are two inches wide by four inches long but I do have the ability to come in from the side or bottom. I’m not confined to straight hits but I am keeping my strikes confined to his hands.
“Hit me!”
I command him the loudest I’ve been all night while meeting his hand the hardest I dare to hit him. He yelps hard, jumping back a foot but I stay close, tapping his hands softly but persistently with the pads. I know my strength and I know I’m not hurting him but his fear and panic are getting to him bad. Looking into his eyes, I can see him struggling and I’m starting to doubt that I’ll be able to get him to relent to this.
His fear is high enough that his whimpers are persistent. I continue my gentle teasing against his hands, hard enough that he flinches with every strike but light enough that his yelps are fearful not painful. I slow my movements enough that he manages to look into my eyes, once again searching.
“Come on, Cole. Let go. I promise you this will help but you need to let yourself go. Hit me, Cole. I will not hurt you and you can not hurt me. Even if you miss my hands you can not hurt me.”
I gently encourage as I can tell he’s dangerously close to the edge. I just don’t know which edge he's going to fall from first.
It’s with a strangled growl that he strikes. For the first time I feel his strength through the pad. I’m caught off guard when he hits again but quickly recover as he hits again.
“That’s it Cole. Give into the anger, the frustration and fear.”
I now encourage his continuance as he gets into a rapid sequence.
‘I’m going to encourage him to talk. It’s important that you just let him ramble.’
I hear Julie through the link as I concentrate on countering Cole’s offensive strategy.
“Now that you’ve let go physically, I need you to let go verbally. Let everything go.”
Julie’s voice is calm yet assertive in her instructions but his continued silence concerns me.
“I’m tired.”
His statement shocks me as I wasn’t expecting him to speak.
“I’m tired of living in fear. I’m tired of living in pain. I’m tired of fighting.”
His hits are getting stronger as he caves further into his anger.
“Every day I wake up asking why? What did I do to deserve this life? Why won’t she welcome me back? I don’t understand how the Goddess Diana, creator of all werewolves could sentence anyone to the life I live. I have to fight for everything. I fight to eat. I fight to take care of my basic needs. I fight just to breathe. Just to wake up every morning and fight again. My only peace is isolation and I have to fight for that too. I’m not an alpha. I don’t want to be one if it means becoming my father. He is no father. Not to me. I don’t want to be there. I have no home but no freedom to leave.”
As suddenly as he started his rant he stops. Breathing hard, he simply stands two feet away from me, his cheeks wet with tears.
“I don’t want to leave but I have no freedom to stay.”
He collapses gently to his knees in complete exhaustion and defeat, assuming the hard submission position as his anger dissolves into grief.
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