Chapter 28
I’m in complete shock as my Lillian falls completely apart. I have no concept of what she feels she’s lied about let alone why she’s now begging me to punish her. I do know that I got to get her back before she goes into another major panic attack.
“Lilly baby, please calm down. I need your help to understand what just happened. Please baby. What do you think you lied to me about?”
“I told you he didn’t rape me. I swore to you that wasn’t part of his training. How could I have missed it?”
“Lilly, look at me.”
I know she hears the desperation in my voice and sees the concern in my eyes when she finally makes eye contact with me. She has tears in her eyes falling slowly as she comes back to me. I move my hand from her back to her face, moving slowly as I don’t know what her current mental state has done to her trust towards me. I’m grateful when she shows no fear.
“Do you think he raped you, Lilly?”
“I don’t know.” She whispers quietly. “The last time I felt it was the morning I met you. I was never able to figure out what it was but the clues lead me to believe that it was him inside me. I just don’t know though.”
“You haven’t felt it since coming here?”
I repeat back trying to think of all the things I had done with her to build her up to actual sex with her. It suddenly dawns on me the one thing that I’ve never done with her.
“Lilly there is something I can try that I think may help you figure out if it was him or not. I really don’t encourage it as I do believe it will hurt you physically and mentally to do it but if you truly need to know.”
She’s nodding her head yes and I’m in absolute shock.
“Lilly, this is going to tear you up worse than you already are. Are you certain? It’s just a guess on the difference as there’s only one thing I can think of that I have never used with you.”
She nods her head again as she speaks.
“If there is something you can think of that would make him raping me feel completely different then sex with you than yes, I want to experiment. I need to know if he raped me. He always insisted on me facing away from him. The primal position, as he called it, and he always put a blindfold over my eyes so I couldn’t see. I got beat anytime I tried to remove it. When ever I came into heat he insisted on simulating sex up to ten times a day. He insisted that was the only way to control the pain of the heat cycle. I had no choice but to be his whore.”
I kiss her fiercely before looking her in the eyes.
“You are not a whore. I don’t ever want to hear you say that about yourself again. Now, the knot has loosened enough for me to get up. I’m going to wash my hands and get you some Ativan and Vicodin. I need you to think about this experiment I vaguely suggested and if you still want to do it. Is the answer that important to you? He’s already done more to you then I have and for a longer period of time. Will this answer change anything for you? Because it changes nothing for me.”
I kiss her lightly before running my tongue gently along her mouth. I grab her hands in mine as I slowly draw my thickness from within her. She yelps hard twice, squeezing my hands tightly as she does. While in the bathroom cleaning up I break my link with Lilly to contact Angela.
‘Are you busy? I need help with Lilly.’
‘No sir. What’s going on?’
‘It’s a long story. I’ll fill you in after one more thing but I need you to bring the medication that you use to seal tears. She had a major panic attack during the tie and she has at least one really bad tear inside her. It’s too hard for her to handle right now for me to give the medication to her.’
‘I can stop over in ten minutes.’
‘Thank you. We’re in my office.’
I end the link as I head out to Lilly. She’s sitting up now but looks terrible.
“Take these. They will help with the anxiety and pain you’re in right now.”
She takes the pills and the water as she looks at my still hard soldier standing at attention.
“Do you think he raped me Demetri?”
She asks quietly as she swallows the two pills down.
“Based on what you remember feeling and the standard way that sex training is used, I would find it difficult to believe that you weren’t. I have always believed that you had it worse than you let on. That’s why I’ve always moved so slowly with you.”
“Do you think you know what he did to me when I was in heat? That you can duplicate it?”
“I have a bad feeling that I know the difference you're looking for.”
I nod my head as I look at her.
“Will your experiment answer if he raped me or not?”
“I believe it will if you really need to know.”
“I need to know Demetri. I need to know what that last thing was he put in me before you took me away.”
“It’s going to hurt you, Lilly.” I whisper desperately hoping she will change her mind. “You have already told me so much that I didn’t know and it explains so many things we struggle with. I don’t understand why this last thing is so important.”
“I don’t expect you to understand, Demetri. But if you think you know what that last thing was and if that last thing was rape then I need to know. I need to feel and confirm what happened to me.”
I look into her eyes and see the sincerity, the need for this horrid answer. I finally nod my head before wrapping my arms around her.
“Please do this for me, Demetri.”
I take a deep breath before ultimately agreeing.
“It won’t be exactly the same as I refuse to hurt you with what I think he did but I will give you enough for you to figure it out. I have entered you from behind before but I’m going to change one thing about it since you said that you haven’t felt the same thing since coming here. I’ll explain what it is I’ve changed after you figure out if it’s the same feeling as back then. No matter how gentle I do this, entering you from behind right now is going to hurt but it’s the only way to figure out if that’s the way he was raping you.”
She nods as she gingerly starts moving around.
“Get into the position you remember being in back when it happened to you. I’m going to use the bathroom first.”
She nods with a stoic face as I walk to the bathroom. I don’t want to do this and what little psychological training I had as a doctor instinctually tells me this is a bad idea but I feel I know the answer she’s looking for. Question is will it bring her any closer to the closure she has denied herself for over twenty years. Will this answer be what she needs to finally start processing what happened to her? Will this finally allow her to accept the truths that I give her versus the half truths and straight lies he fed her to make her comply?
My thoughts are racing as I open my bathroom cabinet with the door to the bathroom shut. I don’t want to give her any clues as to my current thoughts on what he did even though it sounds like he came into the room already wearing it. I easily find the one thing I have never used on Lilly but started stocking in my cabinet recently since both my sons are old enough to have sex.
I pull out the box from the cabinet and open it up, removing one of the little square packs from inside. It’s been over twenty years since I’ve put a condom on but that is the one thing I adamantly refused to use when I was with Lilly.
She is my mate, there was never any reason to. I open it quickly and give my thickness a few quick hard rubs before rolling it on. Female wolves are extremely sensitive to touch, especially during sex so it would not surprise me in the least if such a simple thing as a condom would completely change the way I feel inside her. The question that remains is if this will make me feel like whatever it was her father was putting inside her those last two years she was with him.
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