Chapter 86
I have knelt down so I could catch his gaze. It’s important that he understands that I will admit and apologize when I am wrong. Something my father could never do and the one thing I truly despised about him.
“I appreciate that.”
He states with a nod without ever looking at me.
“Alpha.” His voice is quiet and once again ashamed, throwing me off.
“What’s wrong Cole?”
“I don’t handle the lidocaine shots very well. Not since….” He trails off not wanting to admit what happened to him. “It reminds me of medications that I’ve been overdosed on. I need to be tied. I’ve hurt, badly hurt doctors and nurses in the past.”
“Cole, I really don’t think that’s necessary. I’m going…..”
“Alpha please.”
He interrupts me, hanging his head and looking away as if he expects me to hit him. He waits a minute before looking back at me. His eyes are pleading and fearful.
“Alpha please. I don’t want to hurt Dr. Pierce. I need to be tied. Hard restraints so I can’t move.” He swallows hard as I nod.
“Let’s go get you settled into the bed.”
I don’t like this. Not at all. I’m running different options through my head as to how to respect his request for restraints without driving him crazy using the same hard restraints everyone else has used.
He’s following slowly behind me as I stop in front of the cabinet. I sigh heavily as I open the drawer that contains the various restraint options that are approved by the council. I start pulling all of them out. Chains, leather straps, soft Velcro cuffs, and padded Velcro straps.
He whines softly beside me as he spots the array of tools I have to choose from. I turn to Cole, taking his hands in mine before he can step away. He struggles in my hold as I step closer to him, pulling him into a gentle hug. He’s stiff and uncomfortable as I try to calm his fears.
“I know what you're anticipating but I promise this will be nothing like what’s happened before. Can you make it to the bed and lay down or do you want me to walk you over?”
He’s shaking badly and doesn’t make a move to get away from me.
“I don’t know.”
He finally whispers as he brings his hands to his head. I stay still watching his movements, concerned about his attempt to harm himself just five minutes before. His hands are flat as he starts hitting his head again. This time he is softer than in the tub but it’s still too close to the one stim I will not allow.
“Talk to me Cole. What are you thinking right now?”
I speak calmly and softly near his ear as I wrap my hands around his, gently stopping his movements.
“I can’t do this. I can’t handle the lidocaine shots without being restrained and I can’t handle the restraints.”
“I know you’ve only been here two days but I’ve been nothing but gentle and considerate of everything you’re going through and that’s not going to change.”
I look up as I hear Angela enter the room behind Cole causing him to stiffen and shift in place. I can tell he’s fighting himself not to struggle against my hold. She looks to the restraints on the counter, to me and back again.
“The only reason I’m even considering the restraints right now is because of your fear of hurting Angela.”
“It’s not a fear sir. I already have.”
He whines as his resolve not to fight dissolves. He pushes against me hard, moving his arms erratically in an effort to free himself.
“Alpha please. You don’t understand. I don’t deserve to be an alpha. I don’t deserve to be here. You’re too nice to me when I’m nothing but a monster. Dangerous and unpredictable. I deserve the beatings. I deserve to be chained. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t pretend to be normal. I’ll withdraw from the program. Just put me on the bus with Dallas. I’m certain he’d love to do my father the favor of taking me out of the world I live in. I can’t do this.”
He’s fighting me badly and his statement about Dallas has caught me off guard. His depression is worse than I anticipated if he’s talking about allowing someone to beat him to death.
“Enough.”
I growl softly, freezing his fight. He’s breaking down quickly and I’ve got to get a handle of what’s going on.
“Is it true? Did he hit you?”
“It’s not a big deal, Dimetri. All this isn’t necessary.”
She avoids the question while waving off the need to restrain him.
“That’s not an answer and you know it, Angela.”
I chastise as Cole pushes me away even harder.
“Alpha please. Just let me go. I can’t do this.”
“You’re not going anywhere, Cole. We are going to take care of the last of your injuries and get you started on your medication.”
“Speaking of medication. I’m only putting him back on Effexor. Lowest dose to start, taken with dinner. Once the side effects mellow out, I’ll evaluate how his symptoms are and possibly increase it if he needs it.”
“You still haven’t answered my question.”
“I don’t feel it warrants an answer.”
Suddenly Cole’s erratic movements catch me by surprise and he briefly escapes me.
“Just let me go!”
He whines with overwhelming fear in his voice as I gather him back against me.
“Stop fighting me Cole! I’m not going to hurt you!”
“Stop telling me that when I deserve it! I hurt her! I hit her! I don’t deserve to be here! I don’t deserve your kindness! Please, just let me go home!”
He’s in a complete panic attack as he fights my hold on him. It takes several minutes but I finally get him pinned against the bed. His realization of having nowhere to flee allows him to finally break down in sobs, completely defeated and unable to cope.
“Sit down on the bed, Cole.”
My aura is intense but not overwhelming as he submits to my command. I pull him into my chest, pinning his arms between us.
“I know this is confusing for you but I need you to allow it to calm you. Lay the left side of your head on my shoulder. You need to concentrate on my scent and aura. Do not fight it. I promise you, there’s nothing painful about it.”
He sighs in defeat as he cautiously leans towards me. My heart aches as he whimpers and jumps back away from me every time he comes close to touching me.
On his fourth try I move my hand to his head, keeping it a few inches away so he doesn’t feel forced. He bounces back again, freezing when he hits my hand.
“I will never punish you for compliance.”
I encourage as I rub his head following him down to my shoulder. I tighten my hold on him slightly. He’s shaking badly and I’m desperate to make him feel safe here.
“Angela please. I need to know what happened after I left.”
He’s rigid and breathing erratically as I speak. I’m certain he’s already made up his mind as to what’s going to happen to him.
“It’s really my fault not his, Demetri.”
“Ange please, I…..”
She holds up her hand, pausing me before I can finish.
“He did exceptionally well with me. He allowed me to wash from the waist up and I respected his need to take care of the waist down. Doing his hair started off challenging but we came to an understanding quickly and he was nearly sleeping by the time I started cutting it.
Once again, the entire incident is my fault. I underestimated the length of the laceration and ended up with the shaver digging into the cut. With him being asleep or at least nearly, him going into fight mode was an expectation. I dodged all of his swings until I tried to grab his hands. I grabbed hold of his left but ended up struck by his right.
You know what it’s like to be a doctor. I’ve taken on more damage from a delta coming off a silver high. I calmed his panic after it happened and I was hoping that by keeping it as little of a deal as I could would keep the panic from returning. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you right after it happened so you were better prepared to deal with the level of panic he’s ended up in. I didn’t realize the toll such an accident would have on him. Are you really going to restrain him?”
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