Chapter 214
(Jessa’s POV)
It’s been hard these last several months to be without him when my wolf longs to be near him. Perhaps that was my mistake this afternoon, I allowed her to take over as I have never been this bold with men. At least not after getting raped by Alpha Redmen’s son four years ago. A part of me wonders if this is a cruel joke, a means of Goddess Diana to laugh in my face.
Cole’s trembling body beneath me reminds me that it’s not. He is genuinely terrified of being alone with me. Went so far as to tell me he wished alpha was with us and the only remark I could make created guilt in addition to his fear and insecurity. Despite the damage that has been caused by getting kicked out of my birth pack and getting abused by every pack that I tried to help, at least I knew love.
My abuse and poisoning was intermittent, I would only be in a pack for three to six months before I was let go. Forced to recover from withdrawal and the trauma they caused on my own. The only time I transferred directly from one pack to another was when I came here three years ago. I still withdrew from the silver poisoning on my own but that was simply because I didn’t know the pack and couldn’t bear for them to see me so weak.
“I’m sorry, Cole.” I whisper gently as a whimper escapes him.
He’s managed to put his head on my shoulder yet he’s only managed to put hands down next to him instead of around me like I told him it was okay to do.
“Cole, please hug me.” I quietly plead for him to connect with me.
“I can’t do this. I’m so sorry Jessa. I…”
He buries his head against my neck as his voice trails into a whimper.
“I allowed my wolf to guide the way. I’m so sorry I didn’t slow her down. I was hoping that one of us being bold would help the other. Please Cole. I need you to understand that nothing that has happened is wrong. It’s okay to touch, hug and kiss. I want to feel your arms around me. Please don’t be afraid to hold me.”
I’m starting to break down from my own guilt and regret from pushing him too hard too fast. My wolf was really wanting to complete the mate’s bond with him as she doesn’t believe that he’ll return once he leaves.
Slowly, gently I feel his arms close around me. He’s stiff as he places his hands on my back, stifling a yelp as he brushes against a two inch wide line of bare skin that’s been exposed since I climbed into his lap.
“Your back is quite cold.” He whispers against my neck.
I remain still and relaxed as he lifts his head and slowly starts feeling for the edge of my shirt. His movements are cautious, ready to stop the moment I tell him to but I have no desire for that. It may only be a moment in time where he’s taking care of something I hardly noticed but it’s that he’s taking care of it that has melted me.
Even though I’ve been straddling him the entire time I’ve been kneeling at the same time and it’s while he slowly fixes my shirt for me that I slowly lower myself down until my rear touches his thighs.
“Am I hurting you?” I can’t help but ask when he freezes from my weight.
“No ma’am. I’m just very nervous. I’m also starting to get tired. I don’t want to leave but I need to get back to my room before I pass out from the adrenaline drop and Ativan combination.”
“I’m sorry this will scare you but please consider it.”
His eyes are drooping down before he quickly opens them again.
“It’s looking like my idea is really the best one. I don’t want you to go out in the storm barely awake. It’s a good way to end up in the river. Are you awake enough to walk? This couch is terrible for sleeping on.”
He nods his head silently as I climb off his legs. I give him space to stand but stay close in case he falls.
“Straight down the hall is my bedroom and bathroom. I’d like you to lay down in bed. It’s a queen and very comfortable if you like plush beds.”
“Are you sure about this? Once I lay down I don’t think I’ll move until morning.”
I step into his space and I can tell that he wanted to step away but managed to hold still. I reach up and pet his cheek gently before moving to his temple. It hasn’t taken me long to figure out how much he enjoys this spot.
“I need you to trust me. We need this time together. I’m going to clean up the drinks from the living room and grab cold water from the fridge. Make yourself comfortable in bed.”
He nods his head, too tired to fight or think too much about what I’m asking. As much as my wolf wants to mark him, claim him as ours I have to remind her that it’s been years since I’ve been able to shift even partially. We do agree on one thing, if he wants to claim us we won’t stop him.
(Cole’s POV)
I’m struggling to comprehend exactly what Jessa’s desire is. My mild panic attack is combining with the Ativan in a bad way and I’m truly ready to just knock out but the prattling beast within me simply won’t allow it. It’s been a long time since I’ve trusted him while away from home, for once he’s actually been right.
I make my way down the short hallway into her bedroom. I can hear her in the kitchen cleaning up the drinks we never drank. I’m a lot calmer now that the sedative has started kicking in but I’m still nervous with the decision I have suddenly made. I pull my shoes off just inside the room, growling at myself for not taking them off sooner.
I look around the room and quickly locate the bathroom. I didn’t realize until I saw it how badly my needs had built up. Fortunately, Jessa isn’t in the room once I exit making it easier for me to pull the covers back on the bed and sit down. I take my socks off and place them neatly on the floor in front of the nightstand before pulling my feet into the bed.
I’ve made myself comfortable on my right side and my eyes are closed when she finally enters the room. It feels like it takes her a long time before she lays in bed with me.
Despite the sleep that is calling my name, I’m super nervous about the situation that is normal for anyone but me. I concentrate solely on my breathing as she snuggles up against me. I slowly move my arm from under the pillow to under her neck, using my heightened sense of touch and smell to judge her reaction. To my relief she snuggles into me even more, placing her hands on my shirted chest. I place my cheek against her hair as I gently start playing with it. She hums softly with the contact and I can’t help but silently cry for the mate I know I’m going to lose as no one but alpha has ever believed my story about the rumors. I convinced myself months ago that this needed to happen, she needed to know so she could reject me before I left. I’ve just been too chicken to follow through with it.
“I’m sorry to do this now, when we’re so close but if I don’t come clean with you and give you the choice you should have had from the beginning I’ll never be able to do it.”
She tenses with my confession or perhaps it’s the waver in my voice that comes from crying.
“With only eight weeks left we need to decide if we will accept or reject the mate bond and I cannot accept your acceptance without you knowing, understanding the rumors as part of them are in fact true.”
She immediately starts trying to get up and for the first time ever, I use my body to keep her down. I can feel that she’s frantic and wants to fight but for some reason she’s frozen.
“I promise you that I’m not a monster. It is not a complete lie when I said that they are not true. Please relax with me. I need to tell you what’s happening, what I am in fact doing and why before you conclude what you want with me.”
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