Chapter 194
Something in the way I speak reaches her despite her own panic attack. She manages to turn herself so her side is pressed up against my chest. I have one arm across her back and around her side as the other lays across her chest.
To my surprise she has wrapped both her arms around mine, shaking silently as I give her a moment to breathe. She startles hard with a stifled yelp as I move my hand from her side.
“It’s okay Jessa. He’s not going to hurt you.” I speak to her gently as I rub her back.
“I can’t be around. He’s angry. Too many things have happened with angry alphas.” She gets her fear out in a rush.
“I understand. Has he had any of his medication?” She nods silently.
“I was able to get him to take Ativan, Zofran, Effexor and two Advil.”
“Damian is still at the table. How about you go sit and chat with him for a few minutes. Unwind before going home.”
She nods again as I slowly turn both of us towards the hall. I continue to rub her back between her shoulders, patiently waiting for her to calm enough to let me go. Slowly her grip relaxes before she steps away from me. Looking up at my face, she’s quiet and submissive.
“Thank you, alpha.”
“You're welcome. I just wish it would have gone a bit better. I can tell that his demeanor has changed. He knows that you’re scared of him.”
“It hurts him.” She agrees with me slowly.
Looking back into the room I can see the tears in her eyes as she desires her mate yet the ghosts of her past haunt her present and it’s easy to see how shaken she is by his anger.
“Please help him.”
She whispers as she backs away, unable to tear herself from the sight of her broken mate. Julie steps between us, taking Jessa by the shoulders, she turns her away from Cole. With kind, encouraging words she guides Jessa away from his room.
I enter Cole’s room with a sigh, so many things could be bothering him right now. The memory of his father breaking his jaw, my desire to start testing his warrior skills, giving me a detailed explanation as to why he can’t leave his pack; they are all possible triggers for his current state of mind. It could be all of them at the same time.
“It would help both of us if you could talk to me.”
I start off slowly. Sitting on the side of his bed closest to where he’s pacing. He looks up from the floor, briefly looking at my face as he walks by before averting his gaze back to the ground.
His gaze is submissive and stuck, mostly, to the ground. His body is rigid, as if he’s prepared for a fight. His pacing is fast. He wants to run but has nowhere to go, so he continues pacing like a caged animal waiting for his opportunity to escape the confines of his cage.
“Cole?”
The soft undertones of Julie’s voice alerts me to her presence and attracts his attention enough that his pacing slows.
“I’m sorry we haven’t met yet but I have been helping Demetri behind the scenes, so to speak. My name is Julie Richards, I’m an alpha and my main job here is to help distressed wolves like you navigate safely through that stress. Can you tell me what’s bothering you?”
He stops completely and looks up at her, sighing hard as he runs his hands roughly through his hair.
“I’m sorry Alpha Julie, I don’t understand why I’m in a panic attack.”
He nearly whispers as he returns to pacing the room. I look at her as she remains silent, watching him.
“Are you willing to follow my instructions exactly? There’s something I’d like you to try.”
“Okay. I’ll try.” He whispers as his pacing slows.
She walks into the room until she reaches the end of his bed.
“What I would like you to do is talk.”
He stops completely to turn and look at her, confusion written on his face.
“Very good, Cole. I see I’ve got your attention now. What I want is for you to start speaking everything that comes into your head. At first it is going to be chaotic because your thoughts are racing right now but out of the chaos will be answers to either what you’re in need of or the reason behind the chaos.”
I remain silent as I have witnessed but not participated in this technique for sorting out a panic attack. He shakes his head hard as he resumes pacing.
“I’m bad.” He finally starts slowly.
“Cole, you’re….”
Julie cuts me off with a silent hand on my shoulder.
“I’m bad. I shouldn’t be here. Dad. Others pay when I’m gone.”
His pace quickens as he gets quiet but I remain silent, hopeful that this may work for him.
“Dad. I don’t understand. I don’t know how to please. I’m bad. Always bad. Someone hurts the pups. My fault. Someone hurts luna. My fault. I’m not an alpha. I’m weak. I’m undeserving. I’m better off being found at the bottom of the river. Hit. Hit. I want to hit. I need to hit. Not allowed to hit. Not allowed to feel. Feeling is a weakness undeserving of the alpha title. Undeserving of a mate. Who wants a weak mate. Why won’t she reject me? The longer she waits the worse it will be.”
He finally goes quiet and while I feel we have only gone in circles, he did give me an idea. I form a link with Patrick knowing he will have to get to either his office or apartment on the third floor to get what I need.
‘Pat, I need you to get a copy of the testing paperwork we use to score technique and meet me at the training annex.’
‘It’s 7:30 Tuesday night. Don’t we close it early for deep cleaning tonight?’
‘I forgot about that but that will work to my advantage for what I feel he needs.’
‘What do you think he needs, boss.’
‘He needs to hit. He needs to feel the anger and frustration that he’s not allowed to feel or express when he’s home. Perhaps he will give us some insight that will help us convince him to stay.’
‘Well Lilly is headed upstairs with the girls so I’ll help her put them to bed and head upstairs to my apartment. I’ve got several spare copies up there easy to get to. You only want technique?’
‘Yes sir. If you want to bring your stopwatch you can but I am not scoring him on endurance or strength. I’m not really even going to score him on technique. I just want to know what he’s picked up without formal training.’
‘Yes sir. I’ll meet you over there by eight, maybe sooner.’
I’m satisfied with my beta being onboard so now it’s time to introduce the idea to Cole, which I don’t expect to be as easy.
“Cole, I need you to keep talking. Let me know what’s in your head.”
Julie pleads with the silent young man. His only response is a hard shaking of his head resulting in a frustrated sigh from Julie.
“Cole?” She tries again but this time I silence her with a hand on her shoulder as I stand from his bed.
“Cole, I’d like you to take a walk or ride with me, your choice which.”
“Where are we going?” His voice is low and suspicious.
“I want to take you over to the training annex where you can blow off some pent up steam.”
I speak casually as there’s nothing wrong, scary or dangerous about what I want from him.
“No.” He’s obviously fearful as he shakes his head.
“No, I won’t go back there. Not after Lucas. I’m not fighting again. I hate fighting. Nothing good comes out of it. No, not again.”
His speed doubles as his anxiety increases. I had a bad feeling he may equate Lucas’s attack to the building, not just Lucas himself. I step into his pathway and Julie helps to block him from moving to the other side of the bed to continue wearing a hole into the carpeting.
“Alpha please.” He whispers as he stops a foot from me, desperate to get away from the idea he knows nothing about.
“The annex closes early tonight for cleaning. As the alpha, I have unlimited access. No one except me, you, Julie and Patrick will be there. This is a safe, controlled spar. You are the only one throwing hits so you can get some of this anger and frustration you’re not allowed to express, out. I will give you more details when we get over there but right now your choices are in how we travel there. I need you to try this. I am forcing you to go but I will only push you so far into this. I hate forcing anyone in my pack to do what they fear but I need you to try.”
I keep my talk firm but patient, speaking only the truth of the situation. I despise force and coercion as much as he despises fighting. Fortunately, his head nods in agreement shortly after I finish.
“I can walk.” He finally relents.
“What do you need for walking outside? Shoes? Coat?” I float a few suggestions out.
“A coat?” Julie inquires, confused as it’s warm enough in April that most wolves don’t need one.
“His body temp never changed with his shift. Your normal tends to be 101?” I ask looking for confirmation.
He nods briefly as he pockets his inhaler.
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