Chapter 175
(Cole’s POV)
My wolf starts whining loudly as soon as the mule pulls into a spot at the north end of the pack house. How I’m even recognizing the pack house is a mystery as I’m really struggling with maintaining my mind in the present. Lucas coming after me again has put me back, damn near to where I was when I got here.
The more I come back to reality the more it physically and mentally hurts, discouraging me from keeping the connection. Is it odd to say I can choose not to be here? But then again it’s not any better to be in my own head, filled with the terrible memories of my childhood and my not so distant past.
I’m present enough to follow alpha’s orders and follow his beta through the doors. The smell of antiseptic hits me hard as we enter the first room we come to, bringing me back to reality enough to know I’m where I don’t want to be.
I turn hard and attempt to leave out the same doors I came through but alpha easily blocks my way and I’m not present enough to work my way around him.
“Bring him over here alpha. I want him to lay his head in my lap. It should help with the anxiety.”
I recognize the voice but I’m struggling to place it. My wolf on the other hand knows exactly who it is. He immediately starts bouncing around in my head, prattling on about getting a chance to be near our mate again.
We haven’t seen her since I was transferred back to the medical wing. I was awake enough the day alpha came and got me that I remember most of what happened but the side effects of all the medication I was on made the two weeks after that one large blur. My wolf claims that Jessa checked on me often, using the mate’s bond to calm my nightmares but I simply don’t remember.
“Lay down with Jessa. She’s going to help calm you. Do you feel like you need some Ativan? We will need you to strip down to your birthday suit to do a thorough exam. We don’t want to miss any injuries.” Alpha explains gently.
For once I’m actually able to hear the directions being given to me even if I’m not completely able to perform the task.
“Cole, I need you to take your shirt off. No one else will be coming in today.” Dr. Pierce adds to alpha’s instructions, increasing my struggle even more.
I’m shaking my head hard as I try to start pacing.
“Cole?” Alpha’s touch is light as he tries to gain my attention.
“Talk to me. What’s going on?”
“It’s not proper to be without a shirt around the ladies.” I admit my discomfort with disrobing towards the floor.
“Angela has seen you completely naked Cole and Jessa isn’t just a doctor, she’s your mate as well. It’s okay to take your shirt off. I will help you into a gown if that will make you feel better.”
“Please.” I barely whisper.
“I need to walk away to get that for you. Don’t run, Cole. It’s important for us to figure out how you’re hurt so we can help you. I’m sorry this has happened again.”
I look up into alpha’s eyes, searching for the malice that contradicts his apology. Yet all I see is sorrow. I feel his touch gentle on the side of my face.
“Take your shirt off and you might as well take off your pants. I’ll bring a blanket over for you.”
All I’m able to do is nod, looking at the floor again.
“What the hell, dad?” Lucas suddenly yells.
“Lucas, you’re not exactly on the best terms with me so I suggest you watch your tone.”
“I haven’t done anything wrong. We were practicing when he blacked out and went crazy on me.”
“That’s not what I heard.”
Alpha’s voice is surprisingly calm as he returns to me, barely sitting on the edge of the bed, I only managed to get my shirt off. He tosses the flannel sheet on the bed.
“Okay, Cole. Let me take a quick look at you since Angela is still working on Lucas. Now, it’s very important that you follow my directions. You need to let me know what hurts you. I’m going to keep my touch gentle as it seems you’re struggling to actually talk to me again. How sensitive you are to my touch is going to determine what I have done medically. Do you understand?”
I nod slowly as I watch Lucas follow Angela to the X-ray machine. I notice that he has a hard limp on his right side and he seems to be favoring his right arm. I can’t help but wonder if I were the one to have injured him that badly. A sharp pain in my left side causes me to yelp and jump away from alpha. I run into his hand stopping my ability to flee.
“I need you to tell me exactly where the pain starts.”
“Please don’t do that again.”
My voice is rushed and barely a whisper. I can’t handle him touching my side again. It feels like my bottom two ribs may be broken as I attempt to zone out again. The pain radiating from my ribs, neck and face are making it difficult to maintain a connection with the real world.
“Maybe a read would be easier on him alpha.” I hear Jessa suggest.
“Cole. I need you to finish disrobing and lay down on the bed. On your back would make it easier to clean up your face but if you want you can lay on your right side considering most of his hits landed on your left.”
I freeze up. Getting through an exam is hard enough but to lay in the lap of my mate and go through another painful read? I’m not certain I can handle either one.
“Come to me Cole. I know I haven’t spent much time with you since you came back from General but I do care about you and I want to make this as easy as we can on you.”
I turn towards Jessa, wincing hard as a sharp pain in my neck reminds me of the hit Lucas had aimed at my jaw that had landed painfully just below it instead.
“It’s okay, Cole.”
Alpha’s voice is surprisingly soothing as I slowly slip my pants off allowing my boxers to slide down with them. In my discomfort of being naked in a room full of people, half of which are women, I barely see alpha holding the gown up in front of me, shielding everyone's view of the front of me.
I close my eyes as I feel him slip the arms of the gown over mine, leaning in close to tie the back together before stepping away. Having the gown on and being completely naked underneath increases my nervousness ten fold as I struggle to slowly push myself up onto the bed. My nervousness settles slightly as alpha places the sheet over my legs and waist.
I feel Jessa’s hands gently guiding my head slowly onto the pillow she’s placed in her lap. I whimper quietly. I want so badly to enjoy this new attention. To relax in the hold of the mate I have longed for over the last five years. She’s here, she’s real. Someone I can reach out and touch, yet I’m terrified to do so. I am an animal, a monster. Undeserving of the love of my own parents, siblings, pack. Why would my mate see me any differently?
“Try to relax with me.”
Her voice is soft and sweet as she speaks to me. I can feel her fingers barely brushing against the ends of my slightly curled hair.
“Concentrate on the bond. It will help.”
“I can’t.” I finally manage to answer.
“Why not? This is how the mate bond should work. To give you comfort.”
“I don’t deserve it. The more I feel it the more I want it. You’re right to stay away from me. I’m nothing more than an animal. I deserve the misery I receive.”
I can feel the sadness my mate feels and I know that I’ve said too much.
“You're not an animal.” She finally whispers after a long pause.
“How do you know that? I’ve been branded, punished for being a pedophile because of what I have to do to the girls to afford them a normal life. A rapist even though I’ve never been with anyone. There’s got to be something about me that makes me these horrible things. To be deserving of the cruel life Goddess Diana has dealt me.”
“I’m sorry. I know nothing I say right now will change the way you feel. That’s part of the reason I’ve been distancing myself from you. It doesn’t feel like you’re ready to leave. It feels like you have unfinished business you need to deal with or perhaps something even worse has to happen before you are able to believe the hard truth, that whoever is abusing you is trying to kill you. That if you hadn’t come to this run you would not have survived.”
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