Chapter 216
I stand from the bed and head over to the window.
“The second rumor in my pack is that I’m raping and marking the girls.”
“How does that make any difference? How is that any different than admitting you’re a pedophile? How could you convince alpha that you’re not a danger?”
“I’m not a danger. Jessa please calm down. I haven’t finished what I was trying to tell you and your reaction is making this so much harder. I’m not proud of what I have to do to protect them but I have no choice.”
“Is that what you tell yourself? That you have no choice but to hurt them to protect them.”
“Jessa, please don’t rely on Alpha Lucas for information.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
I pause for a moment, taking several deep breaths trying to keep my will for telling her the truth.
“It means you’re sounding a lot like Alpha Lucas. Alpha Black knows the truth. Alpha Damian is trusting his father when his father says he knows the truth and does not see me as a predator. Alpha Lucas is repeating information given by an actual rapist that I have cleaned up after the same way I have cleaned up after my brothers. Please Jessa, I’m begging you to stop. Just clear your head and listen to what I need you to know.”
“What is there to know? You say the rumors of you being a predator are false but now four months later you’re saying that they are partly true. You go through a long story about your past relationships that sound like you were forced into acts of intimacy as a way to what? Convince me that you’re not raping the woman they’re raping you?”
I dig my hands through my hair. I can’t believe how badly this has backfired. I can hear the fear she’s trying to cover in her voice, making me wonder if her reaction is from past trauma. She did mention being abused in her past. Could she have been raped at some point too?
“I’m sorry Jessa.”
My voice is quiet and submissive with the waver that comes from wanting to cry. We look at each other briefly before I look back at the ground. I make my way to the bed, gathering my socks and putting them on as I speak.
“The reason I sought you out today is because my wolf has been talking nonstop about how weak your wolf is. He talks as if she’s going to die if you don’t get help soon. He also spoke as if my presence, my connection with you could save her but I see now that this was a mistake. I want you. I really do but if you are convinced that what Alpha Lucas says is true then you need to reject me while I’m in the safety of this pack.
I am a monster, Jessa. An animal that deserves to be put down. It would be easier than living the life I live. There are nearly three dozen girls who experience precocious heat in my pack. At least that was what it was when I last counted. It usually grows when I’m not home as it seems a new little one comes into heat every two to three months. So every month I have four to six girls knocking on my door seeking the safety of my room. They are always in tremendous pain and scared beyond description. I don’t like hurting them, Jessa and marking them causes ....”
I pause a moment as my voice breaks. I’m struggling badly with the idea that she’s going to leave but it is the eventuality of my life. It’s always been easier for those I get close to, to believe what others say since I don’t often talk about what happens to me or what I do.
“It hurts them to get marked. The ones that are new to being in heat. The ones that don’t know me or the process I use to make them as comfortable as one can be before getting bitten by a wolf. Those too scared to follow through with me marking them I will help them the best I can as it is their choice. I don’t force the littles to do anything. If they don’t want the mark then they stay with me, in my room until their heat cycle is over. I do what I can to help them through the pain but most pups only last a few days before they’re ready to get rid of the debilitating symptoms. I mark them, take care of them, then let them go on their way. It allows them to be a child without the fear that comes with being in heat way too soon.”
I stand again and walk to the door, slipping my feet inside my shoes. I can’t quite tell what Jessa’s silence means but I’m not going to stay after ending up in such a fight with her. She suddenly seems to realize what I’m doing and makes her way towards the door. I turn and face her before she can get too close, putting my hands up to stop her where she’s at.
“I’m sorry but I can’t stay. Not now. You’re afraid of me and with your own history of abuse I understand how unsubstantiated rumors can get in the way. You need space and time to think about what little I was able to get out after this whole thing went so horribly wrong. As I said before, when you reject me I will accept. You don’t deserve a monster like me. Someone who regularly marks little girls. It’s not right. None of it is. What few minutes I had to hold you, where I was able to relax and enjoy being with you, thank you.”
I reach out slowly, wanting to wipe the tears from her eyes as my own fall but I stop myself. Drawing back I put my hand back to my side as I turn and leave her room. I’m back in the living room when I hear her call my name, desperate and pleading for me to stay. I open her door and step out into the entryway. It’s similar to the prospect dorms, just not as wide giving more room for the apartments.
I can hear her call again as I shut the door, walking quickly to the automatic doors that lead to the outside. She calls again as the doors open and the sound of pouring rain drowns out her cries. I step outside and swiftly start my trek back to the pack house.
I choose to head southwest, the long way around to the front door. Despite there being multiple back doors into the pack house each one leads to a hall of offices that I just don’t want to pass. I can’t handle talking right now. Not to anyone. Not a single sole can soothe the beast within me and I’m not certain I even want to try.
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