Chapter 213
“Don’t fight me.” Jessa whispers as she takes my hands in hers.
“It’s okay to touch me. I want you to touch me. As nervous as I am around alpha males, I want to feel your touch.”
I try to pull away as she places my hands on her waist. I can’t help the whine that comes out when she holds me there.
“Cole please. I know you don’t understand but you need to connect with me. It’s the only way running from your pack will work.”
I freeze my fight as her words hit me hard. This isn’t a tease. She wants me just as I want her and she’s preparing me for what may be a last resort, using our bond to link once I run. I close my eyes as I will myself to stay as she removes her hands from mine. My voice shakes as I finally try to voice the fears I have with being with her.
“I don’t know you well enough to think of what you would feel but I wish alpha were here.”
“Why would you want him to be here?” I knew she would ask.
I just wish my past was easier to understand than it is.
“I don’t want to do something wrong. I want him to watch me. Make certain I don’t hurt you.”
My voice has that dreaded childish whine behind it but even dating for me has been a nightmare.
My touch is light on her body and she easily steps out of it as I finish my response.
“I would never falsely accuse you of anything wrong?”
I turn away from her quickly, my hands in my hair as I chastise myself for hurting her with such a thought.
“Cole please.” Her voice is desperate but I’m panicked.
“I’m sorry Jessa. I should have known this would go badly. I don’t know how to do any of this.”
I yelp horridly as the lightning flashes and the thunder booms right on top of us. I’m not afraid of thunderstorms. They usually have the opposite effect of calming my inner beast but this moment is the worst timing for one to have occurred.
While I enjoy watching a good storm I’ve been caught outside in some right nasty ones. That’s how I found out that my father is quite afraid of them.
“I’m sorry, Cole. I just don’t understand your comment without assuming that you’re afraid that I’d accuse you of something. I’m not like that. I’d never do that.” She tries to explain as my panic deepens.
I’m pacing fast in front of her glass door, my hands are in my hair. The locks are longer than usual and I’m taking advantage of my inability to get a haircut over the last several months. I pull with a hard whine as my frustration with myself and fear of the situation I put myself in grows.
“Cole.”
She has stepped in front of me, trying to stop this terrible cycle but I refuse her, I simply stop short of reaching her and turn to head the other way.
“Cole, please. You’re headed into a bad spiral. Let me help you.”
Her voice is pleading as I continue to fall apart. The distance between her and the wall is shortening, making my pace too fast and too short.
Finally she’s at a point where I can’t go anywhere and she takes full advantage of it. She grabs my arms, stilling my pacing. I tug lightly but I refuse to put any of my strength into it, fearful that it would cause her to fall.
“Let go of your hair Cole. I need you to step back until you reach the couch.”
I partially do as she has asked me. I manage to start taking steps backwards towards her black leather couch but my hands are still in my hair, the pain I’m causing myself becoming my main link to a reality I’d rather not know.
“Please sit. I know what I intend to do will be hard but I need you to understand who I am as much as I need to understand you.”
I sit down on her couch and lean all the way back, closing my eyes as I fight the panic that threatens to destroy me. I choke back a yelp and contain my desire to fight as I feel her climb onto my lap, straddling my legs as she sits upon them.
“Jessa, please. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to be a mate. I’m not allowed near the women or children of my pack. I don’t date. I don’t get intimate. I don’t get close to anyone. Anyone that does suffers from the effects of my nightmare. Please. Jessa please just reject me. You deserve so much better than what I can offer.”
I’m somewhere between tears and panic when I finally shut my mouth. I’m so out of sorts right now that I refuse to open my eyes. I simply stay still, stiff as a board, as she starts to touch my face. I’m fighting everything within me to allow her to do what she wants while simultaneously keeping my hands off of her.
“I anticipated this being hard but your reaction is above what I thought it would be. Wrap your arms around me. There’s nothing wrong with what we’re doing.”
She whispers near my ear. I want to believe her but even with the Ativan my mind is swimming.
I’m stiff and completely unable to function as I feel her hands on my face, one on each side near my ears. Suddenly I realize that her lips are on mine. They are soft and gentle, her breath is warm upon my face as she backs off with her forehead leaning against mine.
“I’m sorry.” I can’t help but apologize for being so tense for our first kiss together.
“For what?” She whispers.
“I don’t know how to do this.”
I don’t know how else to explain what I’m feeling now that guilt has entered the mix.
“I don’t usually move this fast but kissing is one thing I’ve always enjoyed once I’ve gotten to know someone that I’m dating.”
She’s leaning her cheek against mine again as she speaks but I’ve yet to figure out what to do with my hands. I want her in the worst possible way yet the strict prudishness I’ve been forced to live by is my ultimate undoing in this situation.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be pushing you this fast.”
“Please don’t leave me.” The statement is rushed as I feel her move.
“I’m not leaving but I want to try something else. I’d like you to relax with me.”
“What do you want me to do?”
“Wrap your arms around me. Give me a hug and lean forward so I can give you the same. I got carried away with you being here. I’ve never felt anything so strong towards another. I didn’t intend on making you this nervous and I’d like to try and calm it down.”
I feel guilty that I put her in this predicament. Most mates are well past first base four months into finding each other but I can barely be in the same room as her.
I jerk back slightly when her hand meets the back of my head but it doesn’t take long for me to follow her movements and lay my head upon her shoulder. Instinctively I snuggle into her, her scent finally providing what I need to relax and connect with my mate.
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