Chapter 153
Even though Cole isn’t a child, that’s why I asked for her tonight. I believe that she’s an empath. Her natural gift is the ability to feel what others are feeling, emotionally and physically. That’s what makes her so good with the pups. Most pups can’t properly convey what they are feeling until they are much older. Even some teenagers have a difficult time with it if their anxiety is too high. I have also found that some of my most complex adult cases need her help as she has the ability to point Dr. Pierce or Dr. Morrison in the right direction. For Cole, I need to know if he’s withdrawing from triple S, something we can handle safely in the wing, or if he’s crashing from silver poisoning. The young man seems terrified to admit that he’s in worse shape than he claims.
I close the door quietly behind me but that doesn’t keep him from startling. He’s still sitting where I left him in the middle of the bed. His head is down and his eyes are closed. I know he doesn’t want to talk but I’m hoping that by starting with the other packs he’s been to instead of his home that maybe he’ll get more comfortable with talking to me, telling his story.
I walk around the bed so that I’m in front of him. I squat down beside it, with my arms on top as I speak quietly, hoping to catch his gaze.
“Cole.” He opens his eyes and looks at me briefly. He seems uncertain and fearful.
I position the bottle of pills in my hand so I can show them to him. Knowing that he’s been overdosed on purpose before makes me take every caution I can to gain his trust.
“These are actually Lilly’s.” He nods his head verifying he knows who Lilly is.
“She has quite the struggle with her past at times as well, even though I took her from that nightmare over twenty years ago.”
I encourage him to take the bottle and continue talking as he looks it over.
“As I said before I left, these are the half milligram ones so I’d like you to take just one. A milligram is what we gave you in the medical wing to help you get through the IV getting done. After that we gave you Valium. I just want to take the edge off as I feel like you’re getting too close to a panic attack and I know you received some codeine before coming to dinner.”
I watch as he looks over the bottle carefully, reading the label, verifying what I’ve told him. I wait patiently as he removes the cap and takes a single pill out, holding it in his hand, trying to decide if he’s actually going to take it. He looks at me again, still squatting on the floor beside the bed. He slowly reaches his arm back out towards me, letting the bottle go gently as I grab hold of it.
“I understand your fear, Cole. I have never told my sons, this is not common knowledge as Lilly doesn’t want it to be but she was abused by her father for eleven years before I found her. There were many nights, early in our relationship that I held her for hours trying to calm the nightmares. While I, myself, have never experienced the terror of being abused I do understand the fear and uncertainty that it creates. It doesn’t matter how many times I tell you that you’re safe, that I’m different, that I can truly help you if you open up to me, I know it’s not enough and that’s okay.”
To my surprise, he keeps eye contact through most of what I tell him. I can only hope that opening up to him, telling him about my luna, will help him see me differently from the others.
“Are you willing to tell me about why you reacted the way you did at the table? Why you were willing to accept physical punishment in her place, afterwards?”
He nods his head as he places the pill in his mouth and under his tongue, closing his eyes as he hangs his head again. I can see he’s struggling badly. He’s shaking hard as he steadily clenches and unclenches his hand. His breathing is stiff but steady giving me the impression that he’s counting, struggling to maintain some sort of control over his fear. I know that reliving anything is traumatic but I’m sincerely hoping that what I’m asking for starts the dialogue I desperately need to save him.
“I would like to sit behind you, like I did when trying to get you to eat that first day in the wing. Are you open to my comfort? If you tell me yes, then I will be persistent even if you fight as I do expect this to be difficult for you.”
He swallows hard before nodding his head.
I stand from my spot and go around to the other side of the bed. I look him over as I go around, he’s still without a shirt so I’m looking for normal areas of skin that I can use to give him positive physical touch. As much as every abused wolf has feared being touched, I have found that the worse their abuse is the more they ultimately crave such attention.
Even with his eyes closed his body stiffens as I slide into the bed. I move into the center until I’m right behind him. My closeness is increasing his nervousness but so far he hasn’t moved away from me.
“I know you’re afraid but I want you to touch me. Lean back against me.”
I watch as his nervous tics increase as does his breathing, but slowly he lifts his head pushing himself back until he touches my chest. I stay still and relaxed, waiting for him to do the same but he moves away from me instead. Running his hands through his hair showing his nervousness towards what he’s doing. His need for physical contact is powerful but so is his fear.
“I know that you’re hurt in multiple places but we both know that you need to be touched. So what I’m going to ask of you is that if I touch you and it hurts, let me know. Verbally or physically, tell me how you feel.”
He sits up again with a deep sigh as he tries to sit back against me again. I can feel his body shaking as his shoulders make contact with my chest, his body is tense as he forces himself to do as I’ve asked him.
I reach in my pocket and pull out my phone. Silently I flip through the apps and find the voice recorder, setting it up to record our conversation. I feel guilty not telling him about it but I would never submit it without his knowledge and natural conversation is always better evidence than a planned recorded statement.
“You indicated a couple days ago when you were in the medical wing that you had talked to other alphas. That you’ve been to three packs and all of them figured out your abuse. Yet a few minutes ago you said that you’ve been punished for the fear the alphas see in your eyes when you make eye contact with them. That you’ve been physically punished by others outside of your pack. You have no record of wrongdoing with the council which confuses me as to why other alphas have punished you knowing your history of abuse.”
“It confused me too, alpha. It makes it difficult for me to believe what you say, even though you’ve been so incredibly nice to me.”
“I’ve picked up on your unwillingness to talk about what’s going on at home but it seems that other packs are just as bad.”
“Not quite as bad but I wouldn’t want to go back.”
He whines softly as he feels my touch on his hands. He lifts them slowly away from me. He moves slowly but erratically, confused as to what to do with his hands as I’m not moving my arms from around him.
“Can we talk about tonight? What happened to make you afraid of me? To make you believe that the only way to reason with me was to offer yourself for ……”
I pause as it’s actually difficult for me to imagine beating this young man knowing what little bit I know.
“What made you believe I would be willing to beat you?”
He breathes deeply several times. I can tell that it’s going to be quite difficult and although I won’t tell him, I know the limit that I’ll push him to. I am a forgiving alpha when it comes to things like this.
“Like you’ve already said every pack has figured it out, but you got one thing wrong. You said when I was in the hospital wing that you thought it was likely unusual for me to be so sick so soon in another alpha’s territory.”
“Yes I did.”
“It’s not.”
He sighs as I try to collect my thoughts as I didn’t expect him to start with something so personal.
“Every time he’s let me go to another pack as a prospect I’ve been without my anxiety and asthma medication for months and he punishes me three to four times a week until he decides if he wants me to go. I don’t think he intended to send me to this run. He got unusually cruel with me Saturday and I only found out about going the next night. I’m always anxious when I arrive and end up with some sort of nightmare within the first week of arriving. I guess you were right now that I put it like that. This is the first time it’s happened on the first night here.”
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