Chapter 177
Alpha stops short of actually sharing what he believes would happen to me but in my head I already know. The council investigating me as a reported rapist and pedophile would, quite literally, be the death of me.
“Once again this is all about him.” Lucas grumbles quietly.
“No, son. It’s about both of you. While you’ve made it quite clear that you don’t like the fact that your mother and I have developed a fondness for Cole. Our desire to protect him from anyone that wants to pursue these rumors is very real and will not change. I will do everything I can to make him comfortable, to allow him to feel what it’s like to live, not simply survive. I’m completely baffled as to why you can’t see beyond what is obviously a lie. So, before things get out of my control, you’re going to start seeing Julie.”
“Dr. Richards? No! Why would I talk to her about anything?!”
“You’re headed down a dangerous path, Lucas. First you start having sex two years before you shift and you admitted that you’re targeting girls much younger than your allowed to be with now that you’ve shifted.
Then, five weeks ago you attacked Cole twice. The first time when he ran into you in the hall. You still haven’t given me a logical explanation for hitting him as he said nothing to you and I know you didn’t know he could scent out unprotected sex on a pre-shift.
Then you attacked him in front of your sister. Do you realize she’s still having nightmares from that? She’s been seeing Julie twice a week for the last five weeks. And now, just when he’s physically and mentally healed just enough to let him explore, to have a little taste of freedom you force him into fighting simply because, why, he was there? You need to talk and you obviously don’t want to talk to me so you will be meeting with Julie after school twice a week for the next eight weeks. If you’re not making progress in your willingness to talk in that timeframe more sessions will be added until you do.”
“But dad!”
“No Lucas. This cannot keep going. I cannot chance you attacking Cole again. Not without showing that I have done everything I can to stop it. The only time you and Cole will be in the same room is when myself or one of the other trainers are there to supervise you. I’m fairly certain Cole will naturally do everything he can to avoid you now.”
I can hear sorrow in his voice but I’m struggling with understanding why.
“What’s wrong dad?”
For the first time since their conversation started Lucas sounds concerned.
“I’m just struggling to understand how you could want that.”
“He respects me if he fears me.”
“No son. Not all fear is out of respect. Do you have any idea how it feels to see someone close their eyes, pulling away from the sight of your hand cringing and whimpering in fear? For them to yelp and scream when you touch them, knowing that your touch isn’t hurting them but they are so afraid that they have done something wrong that they cannot fathom you not having a reason to harm them.”
“No.” Lucas’s voice isn’t much more than a whisper now.
“Well son, that’s the fear Cole has of you now. I don’t need to talk to him. I don’t need to see how he interacts with you to know that’s where he’s at. Three attacks, two of which were severe enough to injure him. You don’t have to worry about him getting near you again. I’m not even certain I’ll be able to get him out to the dining room with you being there. It’s time for you to head up to your room and think about what’s going on with you. I need to help Angela figure out how much physical damage you’ve done.”
I can hear several pairs of feet walking, some pass by me but one set stops beside me. I can feel his aura so it’s easy to tell that it’s alpha.
“How’s he doing?” He asks as he steps closer.
I can’t help but do the very thing he described. Even with my eyes already closed I can feel his hand getting closer to me and I know I’m deserving of punishment. I can’t keep myself still as I push away from the alpha’s approach but I can’t get far considering my head is cradled in the lap of my mate.
“Relax Cole, I’m not going to hurt you.”
Alpha tries to calm me but everything about me is on high alert and I can’t help but yelp, scream and fight as I feel his hand on the back of my head.
It takes only seconds for alpha to lay his body over the upper half of mine causing me to freeze my fight.
“Easy there son, everything is okay. Breathe, Cole. I know you’re afraid. I know what you’re anticipating. I knew this would happen and I’m not upset. I need you to feel me Cole. Everything is okay.”
I’m struggling hard to concentrate on the alpha, to do as he instructs as I’m truly afraid that he’s found some new way to punish me, torture me that my father hasn’t thought of. I want to do nothing more than to retreat back into my head until he finishes whatever punishment he has in store for me but for some reason the touch of my mate keeps me lucid.
I settle into hard persistent whimpers as I change tactics. Listening to the alpha I concentrate on my senses and find that everything is indeed, okay. His touch on my head is gentle and rhythmic, the same rhythm is also being rubbed gently on the top of my hand. Both are quite soothing, breaking through my guard and allowing me to relax in the hold of both my mate and the alpha.
“That’s it, much better.”
I hear alpha encourage but it doesn’t feel better to be here as I’m quickly getting overwhelmed by the pain I’m in.
“He’s fighting the mate’s bond.”
Jessa states sadly. I can’t help but feel disappointed in myself. I want to be a good wolf, a good mate but nothing I do has ever been good in the eyes of my family or my pack.
“I’m sorry Jessa. The fact that he’s said he’s been looking and that he doesn’t have any interest in rejecting it tells me that he wants it but considering the way he lives I’m certain that he feels he doesn’t deserve it.”
“He told me that he doesn’t deserve it but I’m still having a hard time understanding it. Why would he feel undeserving of love?”
“Although it’s important for your relationship for him to open up and tell you the things that have happened to him, I also feel that it’s important for you to understand that his father is his main abuser. He hasn’t detailed how long it’s been going on but I do believe his brothers are in it too.”
“Is that why you asked if I had ever known love?”
I nod my head slowly against the pillow in her lap.
“Now that you seem a lot more lucid than when you first got in here, can you tell me what hurts?”
I open my mouth but no sound comes out before I close it again. I feel alpha’s body, slowly lifting off from on top of me until only his hand is left holding mine.
“It’s okay to take your time. It can take some time for everything to function normally when you’ve gone into a mild shock like this.”
“Shock?” Alpha asks her.
“From what I can feel, yes. I believe it’s a rarity and only werewolves seem to have it but there is a protective shock that some wolves can go into. It essentially shuts down the nervous system just enough that the individual does not feel pain. They are conscious but they function purely on instinct as long as the threat is occurring. Once the threat is removed they respond to commands but have great difficulty with meaningful interactions outside of those commands. The fact that we have had meaningful responses this soon after the event that triggered it, even though they are inconsistent, is really good.”
I’m surprised that she was able to give an actual medical explanation to my blackouts. It makes me feel a little better that I’m not going psychotic. I tense and whimper slightly as her hand replaces alpha’s on the back of my head.
She slowly digs her fingers through my hair until her fingertips rest upon my scalp. The tingles from the mate’s bond are stronger now that my wolf isn’t held back by the silver. He purrs loudly but I’m struggling again. The pleasing tingles everyone talks about are overwhelming my extremely sensitive post blackout state causing me to draw a sharp breath in, holding it as I try to cope with this new and overwhelming sensation. My body tenses badly causing me to tremble in her lap. My squeeze on alpha’s hand pulls him into my increasing distress.
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