Chapter 190
I take my time entering the room, placing the small box of items I gathered on the dresser beside the door. I pull the body pillows out first, tossing them gently on the bed. I pull my medication out next, looking at each one before placing them on the dresser as well. They started me back on all my asthma medication as quickly as they could and they have given me my refills without me asking for them.
While I was in the med wing for several weeks Dr. Pierce came in and helped me with my nebulizer treatments three times a day. Once I was able to move upstairs they gave me a machine and permission to back down to twice a day as long as my symptoms were under control. This is the first time that I haven’t had to fight to take care of myself. It should be a relaxing revelation but tonight I’m falling apart.
I stop at the bottle labeled Effexor, open the lid and remove a single pill before realizing I didn’t bring anything to drink back with me. My eyes dart around the room, landing easily upon the small hotel size fridge near the floor. I walk over and open it up, hoping that some water had been stashed inside. I slam the door shut finding no such luck. I’m leaning against the entertainment center, with my face in my hands as I hear the door slowly creak open.
“Are you okay?” The sweet voice of my mate greats me as she eases her way into the room.
“I’m sorry Jessa. I really am. You deserve to see me when I’m not flipping out. I don’t even know why I am upset but it’s bad, I’m bad.”
I’m shaking my head hard as I place my face back into my trembling hands.
“Should I call alpha?”
“Let him eat with his family. I just need some water and to find my Ativan.”
Without much notice my stomach knots and twists sending me flying to the restroom as my stomach violently turns itself inside out.
“I promise I’ll be back.” I hear her voice as she exits the room.
It’s for the better I think to myself but of course my mind turns it into how many ways she will find to torture me before she finally rejects me.
I remain seated on the cold floor as my back starts into painful spasms, a direct result of my sudden illness. My tremors are out of control and I’m sweating profusely as if I just finished running a marathon. My heart is racing and my breathing is getting tight.
‘Why the fuck am I in a panic attack!’ I can’t help but scream at myself.
It feels like forever when my door finally opens again. I can hear the subtle creaks of the floor beneath the carpeting as my mate approaches the bathroom.
“Cole.” She nearly whispers as she kneels down in front of me. “Let’s get you off this floor. Alpha’s going to come back in a few minutes. I’ll get him to show us where the thermostat for this room is. It’s a little cold for you right now.”
Her voice is gentle as she stands again, reaching her arm out to help me up. I struggle to stand without yelping but manage to do so with a long groan. She helps me to the bed where I sit on the edge.
“Cole, I need you to watch as I know you don’t trust me and it will be even worse in your current state.” Jessa instructs me gently.
She starts by handing me the bottle of water she retrieved from the kitchen.
“Don’t open it yet as I feel your tremors will make it difficult for you not to spill it. I’m going to help you take some medication and drink the water until we can get this panic attack under control.”
I nod my head even though I already know this is going to be a huge challenge even with her being my fated mate. My gaze is steadily looking at her feet as the doctor in her takes over.
“Take the bottle and look over the cap. I’m going to open it in front of you so you can see I’ve done nothing to it. I’m going to do your medication the same way. I know it’s going to be a challenge but I need you to take the medicine that I give to you.”
I nod silently without looking up at her.
“Cole, take the water.”
I finally look up from the floor and reach out to take the bottle from her.
“Now, you have two options. I can open it in front of you and drink enough of it that your tremors won’t cause it to spill or I can open it and set it on the dresser until you’re ready to drink from it.”
For some reason these options create a major conflict within me increasing my steadily growing panic. All I can manage is to hand it back to her, shaking my head as I drop it in submission again.
“Cole, what are you most comfortable with?”
Her voice is patient and kind but all I can do is whine, like the immature pup my father constantly tells me I am. I hear her place the bottle down with a sigh. Her feet come into my field of view briefly before she comes down onto her knees. She leans her arms across my knees, forcing me to sit up off them and look at her face. She slowly moves her hand towards my head, speaking to me calmly as she does.
“Why is it hard for you to answer my question?”
My eyes are darting around fast enough to make me dizzy and cause a migraine to form but I can’t stop myself, not when my mind is in complete chaos.
“There’s no correct answer.” I whisper. “If I have you drink it first then it comes across as checking to see if something is in it. If you set it down in front of me it comes across as verifying you're not adding to it. You’re my mate. I’m supposed to trust you. I want you. Goddess do I want you but I don’t know how to do this. You deserve so much more.”
She stands silently as I finish. As much as I want her to stay I know she’s going to leave. I’m caught completely off guard when I feel her step between my legs and pull me into her. I’m stiff with uncertainty as she holds me gently. I want to wrap my arms around her, touch her soft skin but I hold back. I know she’s been mistreated too and I don’t want to trigger her memories, cause her the same pain I suffer every day and night.
“I never meant to cause you conflict.” I hear her whisper. “This is about your comfort. You tell me what would make you comfortable taking medication from me. Neither answer is a show of mistrust.”
I close my eyes, trying hard to relax with the unfamiliar feelings I get from her touch.
“Am I hurting you?” She whispers as I twitch from her touch.
“No”
“Talk to me Cole, I know you’re uncomfortable with what I’m doing.”
“It’s unfamiliar.” I manage to explain not wanting her to stop.
“Are you ready to try and take some medicine? I noticed you already pulled the Effexor out. What else do you need?”
“Ativan, some Zofran for my stomach.”
I whine quietly as she steps away and finds the Ativan among the pile of pill bottles on the dresser. I watch her closely as she opens it, takes one out and steps back over to me. I will myself to open my mouth, desperately trying to prove I trust her as she places it into my mouth. It takes everything I have not to spit it out despite seeing everything that she’s doing.
I watch silently as she goes through my medication and pulls the different pills out before placing them in my shaking hands. She opens the bottle of water and takes a long drink before handing it straight to me. Something about her drinking from the bottle settles my anxiety of drinking from it when I wasn’t the one to open it.
I pop the handful of pills in my mouth before finishing the water but my calmness is only a temporary reprieve as my mind continues into its downward spiral.
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