Friday, October 18th Pt. 14

(Cole’s POV)
I sit on the edge of my bed petting the side of my mate’s head. I haven’t been able to talk much since she arrived. The mix of emotions coursing through my mind is unreal to say the least. I knew from my nightly conversations with her that she was bad and getting worse by the day but I could never have prepared myself for her to be so close to death.
It doesn’t matter what Dr. Leroux believes, I know what I feel. The horrid sickening feeling you get in the pit of your stomach that tells you something bad is going to happen has haunted me for nearly a week. What Deven doesn’t know is that I’ve had to force myself to eat dinner each night with Cassius, Arianna and Charlotte. It’s the only meal that we eat together as Cassius has been trying to give me more freedom. If he was tracking me on Big Brother then he would have noticed that’s the only meal I’ve been eating and it’s been only a quarter of what I ate previously.
As nerve wracking as it is to have her in my bed leaving the room is proving harder than I thought. I’m not even certain how I managed to help her. All I know is she fought against Deven and even Demetri’s help. The only person she allowed to touch her clothes to remove them was me and it took everything I had to stay calm while I did. It was only after she fell asleep that Dr. Leroux coached me on how to lower her gown so he could put the stickers that monitor her vital functions on her chest. The hardest part was having to physically touch and move her breast for the ones that go just below and beside on the left side.
“Forgive me for touching you without your permission.” I whisper as I lay a chaste kiss to her temple.
“It was a necessity. You shouldn’t feel bad about it.”
Deven walks in from my bathroom drying his hands. I swallow hard enough that I know my throat moves on the outside as I don’t know how to deal with the growing discomfort between my legs.
“It’s not just touching her while she sleeps that makes you uncomfortable, is it?”
He finally picks up on how I’m feeling. I shake my head with my eyes closed. I am ashamed of myself for such a sexual reaction to something that was never sexual to begin with.
“Cole, we have gone over this. You need to speak up when you’re uncomfortable. I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s going on.”
I shake my head with a slight whine.
“It’s embarrassing.” I slowly whisper.
“Cole.” His voice is calm as he steps closer.
“There was nothing sexual about helping you so I don’t understand why I’ve gotten an erection and I don’t know how to get rid of it.”
He nods slowly as I push myself back into a sitting position on the bed.
“I had a feeling you missed her subconscious reaction to your touch.”
“She’s been hurt many times by many men. I don’t want to be that.”
“You’ve been hurt too.”
I nod silently as he pauses. The subject of abuse and neglect has slowly started coming up during therapy after I had several very disturbing nightmares. It’s still something I haven’t accepted, for me to be the little boy that screams for forgiveness as a belt buckle cuts deeply into his flesh.
“I’m sorry we have held back on what we have observed. It doesn’t change what few memories have broken through in your dreams. You have been hurt by those who were supposed to love and care about you. Injured by those who were supposed to protect you from injury. I can assure you, you’re not them. A protector will never be anything but a protector.”
I nod again but my grief has still done nothing to sedate this raging hard on pulsing against my pants.
“She responded to your touch in a sexual manner, Cole.”
His statement throws me off forcing me to look into his eyes confused.
“It’s okay to have an erection in response to the way she responded.”
I look away quickly. Nothing she did was sexual in nature. She did seem to relax with my touch but I didn’t see or hear anything else.
“There is nothing to be ashamed of, Cole. Even though it was to help me place the stickers in the proper location for tracking her heart rate and breathing, she took your touch on her breast as something sensual. Something that she desired and she reacted in such a way to communicate that. While I would heavily discourage any man to act upon the reaction based on her having both morphine and Vicodin in her system, gaining an erection is something I would expect. You are a young, male werewolf. My only surprise is that you are so uncomfortable with the feel of it and don’t know how to either release yourself or use other means to make yourself more comfortable.”
“Release myself?” I’m very confused by his wording.
“Most males would react to this situation by climbing into a slightly warm or even cold shower and rubbing one off since most males in this situation would see having sex as taking advantage of her. No matter if she’s their mate or a one night stand.”
“Rub one off?”
Now he has his head cocked looking very concerned before he straightens up and speaks again.
“Cole, I’m going to take this slow as I don’t want you to feel like I’m treating you as uneducated. Dissociative amnesia commonly results in a loss of past memories but usually not memories that have to do with self care.”
He starts off as he pulls the desk chair over to where I sit. I nod in agreement.
“That’s what Dr. Bridgette has been telling me. That while my amnesia has wiped out everything that happened to me before I woke up in the hospital I still know how to tie my shoes and cook myself a meal. Use the bathroom, wash my hands, take a shower.”
I rattle off uncertain where he’s going with the conversation.
“Very good.”
He praises as he looks over at the door. It’s still shut from when Alpha Demetri left the room.
“What is your understanding about sex?”
I stiffen as I hold my breath.
“Breathe Cole. That’s not the reaction I was expecting. I was hoping you would have come a little farther out of the brainwashing than that.”
“I’m sorry.” I manage to whisper as I let the breath out.
“You are an adult male. Most humans and werewolves alike have had some sort of sexual experience by your age. Most males start experimenting with masturbation in their early teens. I know your memories are instinctual right now but I sincerely would have thought that taking care of sexual needs would have been one of them.”
I shake my head looking at the ground.
“You asked what my understanding of sex was.” I state slowly.
“Yes sir.”
“I don’t think it’s right.” I admit shamefully.
“There’s nothing to be ashamed of.”
I sigh as I don’t want to admit to what I feel as I know it’s completely wrong.
“The male takes a bunch of medication that gives him a painful hard on and the ladies take turns getting on top. It hurts.”
I can barely speak of my twisted understanding of something that I instinctively know should be enjoyable. I look up at him in time to see him stop breathing. He holds it several seconds before he lets it out, but unlike me, he doesn’t need any prompting. He nods his head as he lets his breath out slowly.
“My suggestion is for you to take a warm shower. A hot one will not relieve you of your erection and cold will cause your back to tense. Giving yourself a little space away from your mate will help reduce the instinctual pressure to have sex when you know she can’t handle it. Come back out to the living room when you’re dressed. As upsetting as it might be for you, I need you to tell Demetri the same that you told me.”
“I’m in trouble. I knew it was wrong.”
I drop my head in submission before rising off the bed. I tense, barely holding back my yelp when Deven gently grabs my arm just above my wrist.
“You’re not a bad wolf and your answer has not gotten you into trouble.” He tries to reassure me.
“But that wasn’t the answer you were looking for.” I state quietly to the ground.
“No sir. Your answer is quite concerning which is why Demetri needs to know about it.”
I simply nod even though I don’t agree.