Friday, October 18th Pt. 16
(Demetri’s POV)
I close the door to the bathroom with a sigh. I knew he was struggling before Deven even spoke to me. I had started making my way across the living room to his room just as Deven came out. We spoke briefly, giving me an idea of what I would find but nothing prepared me for what I walked into.
I check on Jessa first. She whines subtly as I stroke her hair tenderly out of her face.
“Are you okay?”
I ask near her ear as I slowly slide my hand onto her neck. She shifts uncomfortably but her pain level is too low, if she has any at all, for me to detect. She is the first adult that I have ever purposely tried to take pain from outside of my own mate. I’ve been able to do it with children for years. I’ll have to do some research to find out if other intuitives have been able to achieve the same thing.
I wait until she settles again before I leave her and start opening drawers. I quickly find what he asked for and head back to the bathroom. As I promised, I keep my noise to a minimum in the hopes that he can lower his fight or flight response on his own.
I sit in the desk chair already beside the bed. My guess is that Deven sat in it while talking with Cole. I pull out my phone and start a group text with Lilly and Patrick.
‘Jessa is worse than I had prepared for. While she is in the right place for treatment and I have been reassured that she had a high probability of survival, I’m not leaving immediately. At the moment I am planning three days. I will call with more information in the morning.’
I send the message just as the bathroom door starts slowly opening. I remain seated as Cole’s actions still scream how much he wants to run from a situation he doesn’t understand.
“Hey bud. It doesn’t seem like that shower helped you much.”
I state with a sigh as he shakes his head.
“Come on in. Everything is okay.”
I try to encourage him even though he doesn’t look anywhere near okay.
“Can you tell me what happened before you went into this panic attack?”
He shakes his head as he starts pacing the room.
“I can’t be here. I can’t be with her while she’s weak and vulnerable.” He whispers suddenly.
“Can you explain why you feel that way?” He shakes his head again.
“I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me. There is no shame and no consequences for telling me what you’re thinking, what you’re feeling.”
“Yes there is, alpha. It’s wrong to want her the way I want her.”
“If you’re afraid that speaking what you feel will result in doing something to hurt her I promise you, I won’t let you hurt her.”
“I’m not mate material. This is a mistake.”
He keeps shaking his head, his hands are tight fists around his own hair.
“Cole please. I know asking you to trust me is asking a lot but you need to voice what’s in your head.”
He stops his pacing, throwing his hands back down to his sides.
“I still have an erection. I’ve had one since she walked through the door even though I don’t want sex with her. Not yet. But that’s all I can think about. She’s knocked completely out and every time sex is mentioned all I can see is rolling her over and burying myself inside her. One of the cruelest, most vile things a person can do to another and it’s all I can think about.”
He nearly screams his frustrations at me.
“Is that what you told Deven?”
I ask gently as I stand from my seat. He shakes his head as the tears finally break loose.
“No. I told him about the other picture in my head. It’s just as wrong as what I just admitted. Only it’s the opposite. It’s not me taking advantage of her but…”
His entire body is visibly shaking as his fear and tension grows. I give him his space while simultaneously providing a physical barrier between him and Jessa. While under normal circumstances I know he would never act upon the nightmare plaguing his mind, the fact that he’s fighting himself to maintain control tells me how quickly he’s spiraling out of control. He spins slowly in his spot, his eyes scanning every inch of the room. I prepare myself for his flight. Being in this room with such inhumane thoughts haunting him has made his need very clear; he needs out and I will allow him that freedom.
As soon as he sees what he needs he takes off for the door pausing just long enough to open it. It’s only when he flings the door aside and takes off again that I follow suit, bounding quickly after him. I follow him, easily intercepting him before he can get out the front door. His fight against me is fierce as the only thing he can think about is running. His fear of sex is so much stronger now and I can’t begin to imagine why.
I actively block or duck his wild swings. His fighting style hasn’t changed at all making him easily predictable. After a fierce five minute dance of keeping him inside the house he finally tires of his attempts and changes to simply trying to get away from me. I feel his change and instead of continuing our dance I back off. My hands are open, my palms facing him positioned level with my shoulders but spread a bit wider. He’s panting hard as he realizes that I’m not trying to fight him, to hurt him.
“It’s okay bud. I know it doesn’t feel okay but I need you to hear, to understand that you’re okay. You’re not in trouble. No one here wants to hurt you. You are safe.”
He looks at my right hand, then my face before glancing to the left. He repeats the pattern several times going right to left before returning left to right. Everything is silent accenting his heavy breathing and the slight wheeze behind each breath. He looks at my feet as he recovers enough to finally speak.
“What’s wrong with me? Why is this happening? It was just a question about sex. I know what it’s supposed to be but every time the word is mentioned I see what it’s not.”
I take a step closer to him. I knew that he would need to know something about his past before he remembered on his own but I also know it’s a delicate dance between giving him hints and altering his memories, something we can’t afford to be accused of.
“I believe that Deven and Cassius have hinted at you having a very rough past. Is that correct?” He nods slowly.
“My navy blue eyes have been mentioned many times by many people. It means something.”
He whispers, sounding ashamed that he has them.
“Don’t be ashamed of something you could not control. As prevalent as the mistreatment of pups and women is in the werewolf community it is rare to find an individual who has been mistreated for a long enough time that their eyes don’t change. Normally there’s enough good wolves in the pack that would either step in and stop the mistreatment or the council would be called to investigate.”
“Mistreatment?” I nod slowly as I take a step closer to him.
“Abuse, neglect, torture, any combination or even all three of them.” I state slowly as I don’t want his fight or flight response to take over again.
“Don’t lie to me, alpha.” His statement is solid despite the whine behind it. I shake my head.
“I can’t give you details of your past as it’s important that you are able to tell your story as you remember it but I will tell you the truth when it comes to any statements that you make on your own. The only limit will be that of what you told me and what I experienced while you were with me.”
“It’s me. It happened. Repeatedly, it happened.”
“What happened?”
“All three. The boy in my dreams screaming, begging for his father to stop beating him, breaking him. He’s me.”
“I can’t tell you for certain that the boy is you but it is likely that the night terrors and flashbacks that you experience but don’t understand are memories that are trying to come back.”
“I don’t want them.”
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