Saturday, October 19th; 5am

(Cole’s POV)
My briefly peaceful sleep is violently interrupted by my own screams. Without a moment to wake, I dart into the bathroom and kneel before the porcelain god forcing the contents of my twisted stomach into the water below. I continue heaving and retching despite there being nothing but bile available to pull out of inside me.
My lungs burn as I struggle with a deep wheezing and my entire body shakes violently with pain and fear. I stay on the cold floor, trying to put the pieces together. I shake my head, unwilling to believe that it happened. That it wasn’t just a dream but a memory of what I ran from. Just like the description of sex that I gave Deven. Two shots leading to a painful hard on that the ladies ride. This is even more depraved than that.
I whimper on the cold tile floor as I long to be held and cuddled like a young pup. It’s only as the sound of Jessa retching in the bed reaches me that I finally stand. I grab and lean against the wall holding my breath as my back spasms painfully. I don’t want her to hear my yelps, to see my tears. I am an alpha. Blood tests have proven that and alphas don’t yelp.
I know before I get to her that she’s in a delicate state. While I would never harm her introducing the idea of soaking in a hot bath may not be something she’s willing to do with me. It is what I know I need so that’s where I head first. I turn the spigot on, turning the handle to hot and wait for the water to warm. I adjust the temp to the heat I need and set the depth and heat functions so the tub will maintain both. It’s the first that I’ve seen but it’s been beneficial to my back when I desire a long soak. I stop at the sink and grab the bag of lavender infused epsom salts and pour about a cup into the water. I leave the bathroom for the bedroom as Jessa finally quiets. I find her leaning off the bed to one side. She’s fallen back asleep with one hand on the small bagless trash can Deven left last night. I guess vomiting is common when your body is dealing with a load of silver.
I slowly sit on the edge of the bed in front of her legs. My hand visibly shakes as I reach over to her hair. I gently brush the long straight locks from in front of her face giving me a much better view of her peacefully sleeping. She whimpers subtly as she stirs.
“Are you doing okay?” I ask softly.
“Everything hurts.” She whimpers quietly.
“I’m in need of a long hot bath. Will you join me?”
I get straight to my thought process as I don’t know how long she will be awake. I’m surprised when she nods.
“I think that will help.”
“Are you able to walk? I’m sorry I’m a weak alpha but I don’t think my back can handle carrying you. I can help support you though.”
I suggest as I know how difficult moving can be when your entire body hurts. She nods again as she starts moving her body slowly. I stand from the bed, waiting for her to give me some clues to her needs. She whimpers subtly as she makes it to a sitting position. It takes several minutes for her to recover but she takes my hand gratefully when I see she’s ready to try and walk. I stay a step behind her as she crosses the room into my unusually large bathroom stopping only when she’s beside the tub.
“You need to get out of the gown. I’ll try to contact Deven to get a new one as that one has been soiled.”
I speak with a stutter, hesitant to suggest that she be nearly nude with me in the tub.
“I need your help untying the back.”
She states shyly as she nods her head, affirming her request. I pull the string at the middle of her back before moving to her neck. I take my time, giving her as much opportunity as she might need to slow me down but she remains quiet. I step to her side and start slowly moving the gown down her arms, folding it so the contents don’t touch the rest of the laundry in my basket. I take her hand and help her step in. Her breath catches before she forces herself to breathe at an abnormally slow and deep rate.
“Is it too hot for you?” I again stammer through the question.
“No.” She shakes her head. “I’m very nervous right now. I do trust that you won’t hurt me but being near you creates a mix of feelings I’m not used to.”
“Because of being raped?” I ask even though I really don’t want her to admit that it is.
“It’s happened enough that I’m afraid of sex but all I can think about is sex with you. Even in this desperately ill state I’m in.”
I wait patiently for her to sit before moving back to the sink. I open each door with purpose, pulling out everything that we will need for the bath.
“I know it’s not romantic in the least but can you tell me what happened?”
“It would hurt you to know.” She sighs hard.
“It hurts me that everyone tells me that. I have a past that I don’t know about except for my dreams. What happens in my nightmares is truly so horrid that it’s difficult to believe them when they say that they are memories coming through.”
“Can we create a fair exchange?” She offers hesitantly.
“What do you have in mind?” I ask as I place everything on the edge of the tub.
“I share what’s happened to me and you share your nightmares?” Now she’s starting to stutter with hesitation.
“I would suggest a question and answer as I don’t feel that we’ve been together long enough to be comfortable with exposing our past but I can’t even tell you what my favorite color is.”
I chuckle dryly as her eyes widen and she swallows hard. She watches intently as I push the shorts I wore to bed to the floor. I lean against the side of the tub and attempt to pick them up but can’t even get halfway down before yelping painfully. I stand back up, completely defeated as I lean against the wall for support, whimpering until the pain dies down.
“Are you certain climbing into a bath is the best thing? You might not be able to get up once you’re in.”
All I can do is nod. “I know.” I admit weakly a moment later.
I make my way to the short side of the tub, the side where I can step over the side and get in. My focus is completely on myself as I try to lower myself into the water without splashing or yelping but only succeed in keeping the water in the tub. My eyes are closed as I lean back against the padding Deven installed in the tub making it easier for me to lay back and relax when I need to. I’ve used this tub at least three times a week since I was brought back from the Bluetail pack.
I open my eyes as I feel her touch on my leg. Her eyes are wide with fear as I gaze upon her mostly nude body.
“Nothing I do is with the intention of hurting you. Please. Let me take care of you.”
I whisper the statement that I wanted to sound so much bolder. I lean forward with my hand outstretched, placing my palm against her cheek. I’m surprised by the mixed signal she gives; leaning into my hand while whimpering in the fear she can’t control. Somehow I understand exactly how she feels.
I remain silent, gently brushing my thumb across her cheek as she slowly adjusts to my involvement with her.
“I have a towel that you can cover your chest with if you’d like.”
I suggest something that may make her more comfortable as I’ve been struggling to keep my eyes off her perky mounds.
“You don’t want that.” She whispers after a long pause.
“It’s not about me.” I start. “I climbed in with a t-shirt and boxers on because of my difficulty with being naked when anyone is in the room with me. I know you still have your briefs on but if you would like to cover your chest I set extra towels over here so you can do that.”
She finally nods as the tears she’s fighting slide down her cheeks. I grab the towel I placed beside the tub and unfold it, wrapping it lightly around her chest just under her arms.
“Can you turn around? I’d like to help you with your hair. You got junk in it when you got sick.”
She nods as she slowly turns.
“I’m going to touch your sides to guide you as I need you closer to me.”
She doesn’t fight my light touch just below her ribs giving me a little confidence in what I’m offering. Once she’s comfortable I slowly introduce the hot water to her hair. I smile silently as she obviously enjoys my massage of shampoo before rinsing her hair clean. She is much more relaxed by the time I’m done.
She lays back against me, completely ignoring the hardened soldier that simply won’t leave me, closing her eyes peacefully. I wrap my arms around her, holding her as I’ve longed to do for months. She lays her head upon my arm, humming softly in contentment. I run my hand along her temple until her breathing changes to the deep, predictable rhythm that comes from sleep. I lay my head back upon the padding and allow myself to relax in the warmth of the water gently swirling around me. Between the nightmare I’d rather forget and the spasms my back has gone through I am completely exhausted. It takes nothing at all before I cave into my own slumber.