Saturday, December 21st

(Jessa’s POV)
After a long five and a half hours I finally turn off the main highway onto the gravel road leading into Crimson Dawn. I reach beside me and grab Cole’s hand, rubbing it gently in an effort to wake him. He stirs lightly from the nap he’s been in for the past hour.
“Start waking up, Cole. We’re almost home.”
I speak calmly despite the growing anxiety within me. Spending the last two months with Cole at the Shadowlands pack has been both nerve racking and relaxing at the same time despite how oxymoronic that even sounds.
Being outside the comfort of the only pack that has ever taken care of me after my parents died stirred a level of anxiety that I haven’t had in two years but being reunited with my mate before he arrived home was relieving, despite the stress of my detox and his paralysis.
We were supposed to stay until the new year but after getting rid of some of the silver trapped in my wolf, being with Cole has given her even more life than before. This time, she’s gone into heat. My heat cycle has always been three weeks of straight hell but I guess that’s what happens when you get raped repeatedly before you ever shift. With the previous heats my wolf was able to warn me three days before the worst of it hit but something is different this time.
Receiving that hormone blocking shot reduced the nausea and pain that I was having but with it only lasting thirty-six hours it left me very little time to get everything situated for coming back. Honestly, I don’t want to be here either as every heat I’ve ever had in a pack has never been a peaceful one.
“Cole.” I rub his hand again as he stirs.
“What’s wrong?” He asks groggily.
“Nothing is wrong. We’re almost home.” I struggle to contain the wobbling of my voice.
“That’s not what I was asking about.” He states calmly as he sits his seat upright. “You’re afraid. My wolf may have just woken up but he has only enhanced my senses not dulled them. What are you afraid of?”
My emotions are insane as we approach my apartment.
“I’m in heat.” My voice is rushed but quiet as I make the obvious known.
“What’s scaring you so badly about being in heat? I thought you wanted to return here. That you had never been harmed while at Crimson Dawn.”
He continues the conversation that I really don’t want to have but I know he needs to understand.
“It’s a long story.” I try to excuse myself out of the nightmare I’m quickly becoming. “Are you ready to head inside? I don’t want to be out in the open very long.”
“What about our stuff?”
“Once you’re familiar with the apartment you can come out and get what you need.”
My voice is becoming cross and demeaning. I mumble an apology as I catch his hurt and confused expression. I turn off the car as soon as it’s in park, automatically unlocking all the doors. Fortunately, he’s right behind me in getting out of it and follows me inside but at a distance that makes me uncomfortably guilty.
I frantically fumble the keys, dropping them as soon as I have the one I’m looking for. I curse quietly as I get closer to crying after dropping them for a fourth time. My breathing is in pants as I enter a full panic attack. My vision blurs as the tears finally fall. I just can’t keep hold of these keys and I’m ready to throw a tantrum that only a three year old child could match.
“Don’t fight.”
I’m as surprised by his gentleness as I am by his force as he spins me to face him. Before I can push away from him he has me pulled flush against his body. Something about his embrace allows me to absolutely lose it. I bury my face into his neck as I squeeze his shirt hard enough to cause my hands to cramp. I want to yell and scream my fears and anxieties away but that would only serve to draw the attention I’m desperately trying to avoid and would wake everybody that is currently sleeping in the building.
“I’ll unlock the door but I need to know which key.”
He states a lot calmer than I expected him to be. He uses his fingers like a comb and runs them gently through my hair as I struggle again with the key to my apartment. This time I manage to hand it to him without dropping it. It takes him a minute to figure out the orientation the key needs to be and which direction to unlock the door but I hurry inside as soon as I hear the door swing open.
He steps through the door just enough to close and lock it behind him. True to how he’s always been, he leaves his shoes at the door even though taking mine off hasn’t even crossed my mind yet. I immediately run through the house into my bedroom before entering my bathroom as the only thing that will help the growing knots in my stomach is a long soak in steaming hot salt water. I turn the faucet to the hottest it will go, plugging the water before heading to the cabinet. I grab two bath bombs that are made from lavender, camomile and epsom salts tossing them both into the bath as I walk by.
I enter my bedroom again, pulling a nightgown from the dresser and tossing it on the bed. It’s only as I hurry to the other side of the room, wrapping my arm around my middle, that I run face first into Cole. I’m frantic as I try to get away from him but he simply holds me, waiting for my struggle to end.
“Jessa, please talk to me. You’re in a panic attack. A very nasty panic attack and you’re in a lot of pain as well. When did the medication wear off?”
“I’m beyond scared to do this but I need this from you.”
“What is it that you need?”
“The tub is a large soaking tub made for two. I need you to get naked and get in it. Hopefully the water isn’t too hot for you. I need to get a few more things before I get in.”
“Are you certain that’s what you need?” His concern is genuine as I try to muster up the courage to explain.
“I’m sorry Cole. I know this isn’t going to help you as I am terrified right now. This is the fourth heat I’ve been in. Twice I’ve been in heat while I was in a pack and around an alpha. Alpha’s get what they want even if you don’t.”
“You’re afraid that I’m going to take advantage of you.” He makes the statement softly.
“For reasons I don’t understand, my heat cycle weakens me, so yes I’m afraid of you but I’m even more afraid of myself. Because of what happened to me my wolf thinks that’s what’s supposed to happen. I become a whore that I can barely control. I need to have sex. It’s the only way to get the cramping to stop yet produces immeasurable pain in itself. My heat cycles only occurred once a year for three years. The last one I had was while I was at Red Fang when I was seventeen. I’ve never had a heat while here so I have no trust in how this pack will react. Everything within me says to run and hide but I can’t do that. I don’t know what to do.”
I’m sobbing hard into his chest by the end of what’s just the start of my problems.
“Please Cole. I know I’m asking a lot from you. I’m so, so sorry but I need this with you.”
I can feel his left arm wrapped around my waist. His right is ever so gently caressing the side of my face. We stay like this for several minutes before he speaks again.
“Without my memory I don’t know if I’ve had sex but instinctually I believe I know the basics. I won’t hurt you Jessa.”
I shake my head against his shoulder.
“It has always hurt and with you being my fated mate we will tie. You can’t stop it.”
“I won’t hurt you Jessa. That’s just not me. If you want me to join you in the bath for a bit, then I will strip down and join you. If you want or need to get sexual then we can lay together and start with what we’ve already done. If you want to go further then we will. But….”
“I knew you wouldn’t want all of it.”
I whimper as I try to push away, feeling rejected even though we haven’t had the proper time to gain the trust either of us need to be fully intimate in any manner.
“No Jessa. I have been attracted to you and have wanted you sexually since you arrived at Shadowlands. I have always wanted you but I refuse to hurt you. If you tell me to wait or slow down, I will. If you tell me to stop, it doesn’t matter if I’m mid stroke inside you, I will. But if you tell me to stop, that you can’t handle having sex, then sex will not happen. Each time we start will be a new opportunity but I can’t handle the confusion of being told no than an immediate change of mind.”
“Take me slow.”
My voice wobbles with the terror of what I just asked for but I also know that it’s the only lasting relief. The only thing I can do at this moment is pray that my soul mate will be unlike anything I’ve had before.