Friday, October 18th Pt. 15

Speaking it out loud has diminished the way I feel about myself and I’m struggling to place why. I move slowly from his grasp, whimpering quietly as I wrap my arm around my stomach. I hear the door to the room shut just as I reach the door to the en-suite bathroom. I enter the large room and shut the door.
With my room being a modified care room the bathroom is set up to accommodate individuals with a variety of needs. The room itself is twice as long as it is wide with a large, two person soaking tub seemingly out of place in the middle of the floor. Only the end where the spigot resides is connected to the wall. The other three sides are open. My best guess is this set up allows the most access to someone who can’t get out once they get in.
In the far northeast corner is a toilet and next to it is the six foot by four foot shower stall. From the moment I admitted my understanding of sex my stomach cramped up and it will be only a matter of minutes before I start throwing up bile. I’d rather be in the shower than to struggle with getting out of the tub when it comes.
I strip out of my clothes and toss them into the hamper on my way to the shower. I turn the handle so the shower runs a neutral temperature but as soon as I step into the shower my back immediately reacts painfully. I shake my head as I adjust it to a hot shower. So much for getting rid of this boner I didn’t want.
I place my right arm above my head in the corner of the stall, leaning my head against it as I let the hot water run down my back. I reach down with my left to my protruding member and run my fingers delicately down the underside of its length. Deven is correct, like every male I do instinctively know how to masturbate but something about just touching myself sends a harsh shiver down my spine. My mouth immediately starts salivating as my jaw tenses. I position my left against the wall bracing myself for the inevitable.
“Cole.” I hear my name being called by Demetri as he enters the bathroom.
“Please don’t come in here.” I whine as I curse myself for not locking the door.
My next statement is cut off as my stomach starts violently turning itself inside out rendering me helpless until it stops. I vaguely hear someone walking around the room before everything falls silent. I breathe heavily with an open mouth, grateful I chose the shower as the running water has quickly washed the stomach acid from my feet and down the drain.
“As much as I would like to hold you, I will not enter the shower with you. I will, however, sit beside the stall in the hopes that you can at least listen and understand my concern for you right now.”
I nod without thinking he can’t see me right now. I swallow between pants several times before I feel I can talk.
“Yes sir.” I finally whisper, uncertain if he can hear me over the roar of the water.
“I need you to be open and honest, Cole. While your amnesia prevents you from remembering me and what little trust we established, it does exist.”
“I’m scared sir but I’ll try.”
“Why are you afraid?” He asks patiently.
Something about the tone of his voice helps me find my own.
“I don’t know. Everything hurts yet I’m fighting against running off into the woods.”
“I’m sorry something that should be simple has you reeling so bad. Do you remember any other times that you’ve been in a panic attack?”
“Panic attack?” I repeat with a stutter.
“Have you ever felt this way before?” He tries to clarify what he’s asking.
“The very first time I came here.”
“Was it like this?”
“No sir, not that I can remember.”
I’m panting hard between questions. Cooperating with this alpha is proving difficult for me considering the vulnerability of being naked.
“Can you describe how that panic attack was different?”
It takes several fast breaths before I can answer.
“I didn’t throw up and the pain I’m in is different. I was injured when I stumbled upon Dr. Leroux.”
I pause waiting for the next question but decide to take a chance and continue the conversation.
“Thank you.” I praise quietly.
“For what?”
“For not repeating your question. Sometimes it takes me time to put together my thoughts and repeating questions makes me feel rushed.”
“You lived with me, on the first floor of the pack house, for four months once I was able to keep you out of the hospital.”
“I… I…” I stop trying to speak as the words just won’t come off my tongue.
“It’s okay Cole. For a moment I’d like you to just breathe. I understand that my presence in this room while you’re naked in the shower is quite intimidating, even fear provoking but I also understand how frustrated you’re becoming.”
“Sir?” Is all I manage to get out.
“You are surrounded by people who seem to know more about your past than you do. I can’t begin to imagine how frustrating and angering that must feel. While I don’t expect my explanation to quell those feelings I’m hoping that giving you a little history of my interactions with you might start the process of returning your memories.”
“But you won’t tell me why I feel like I’m constantly deserving of being hit.” I state, disappointed in the tease he seems to be offering.
“Has Dr. Leroux or Dr. Bridgette told you anything?” I shake my head before realizing he can’t see me.
“No sir.”
“Okay. While Cassius and Deven don’t realize that the portion of history that I was going to talk about tonight will give you insight as to the path you have traveled, I promise you, I will give you a basis for what you’ve gone through. Now, in order to get that information to you, I would like to help get you out of this panic attack without resorting to Ativan. Your time with me showed how very modest you are and I don’t see any clothes in here. My guess is that with Jessa asleep you were going to get dressed in your room?”
“I forgot them. I would have realized that when I got out. Most likely I would wrap myself in a towel, go grab my clothes and put them on in here.”
He responds with a short snort.
“I was really hoping you would have been comfortable with mine.” He sighs.
“Even while she’s asleep, how could I be comfortable getting dressed in front of her? Especially after she admitted to being raped in four of the packs she’s been to.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t think of that being a factor.”
“It’s not the only one. Just one of several.” I admit meekly.
“You’re a good wolf, Cole. Don’t ever be ashamed of it.”
“Thank you.” I want to say more but that's all I manage.
I finally manage to pull myself away from the corner of the shower and center myself beneath the water.
“With your permission, I’d like to gather your clothes and bring them in here for you.”
I can see his shadow just outside the stall door.
“Yes please.”
“What would you like me to get for you?”
“T-shirt, boxers and shorts please.”
“Are you certain you want short sleeves and shorts?”
“I have both long and short sleeve t-shirts but yes, I’m feeling very warm and out of sorts right now. I need the freedom both offer.”
“I don’t know if this will help you or hurt you but you have responded very nicely to me being hands on in the past and that’s how I plan to help you with this panic attack.”
“Please don’t hurt me.” I plead pathetically.
I have no idea who this alpha is but everything inside me is screaming that I’m in danger, that I need to get away.
“I would never harm you, Cole. As hard as your amnesia makes it to remember I’m hoping that subconsciously I can remind you of who I am. I’m going to let you finish your shower. When I come back, all you’ll hear is your door open, maybe some footsteps, then your door close as I’m not going to speak to you. I’m just putting your clothes on the counter. Take as long as you need. I’ll be sitting in your desk chair when you come out.”
“Yes sir.”
My voice trembles when I respond but that’s all I can really do as the shadow of the figure standing outside the stall walks away.