154. Kaya
Kaya
I got out of the clinic, and Cade took me home. I was beyond exhausted. Even though it had been three weeks since the war, I was still sore and tired. The doctor said I needed to take it easy and try to reduce stress. He said with anger, I needed to try to breathe as much as possible and that I may still shift when I got angry or too agitated. But it should only happen when I am awake. I was to expect nightmares as they were common after traumatic events.
But I shouldn't be shifting in my sleep, which was a relief to me. Cade had warned me that things would be a little different going home. Sol was now in a crib in our room to reduce the risk of me accidentally hurting her when I inevitably had nightmares. I was also not to go to any training for the foreseeable future. Hunting needed to be limited as well. I was just to do my Luna duties and take lots of breaks.
I felt like I was being coddled, but I was so upset that I didn't even bother putting up a fight. I had missed the burial of the wolves from my pack. As well as the cremation of the northerns. I had not been able to really grieve the losses of those close to me. Cade told me my family would be by later at night to have dinner with us in the packhouse. I was anxious to see my mother. I knew it was weird to want to have her there, but something about a mother's comfort made me feel better.
Not to mention, just seeing my siblings and my father would help. I still couldn't believe that everything had happened. Cade had filled me in that we were taking in Crescent Moon Pack and that they would become Shadow Pack. He said he would wait a bit longer before combining the two packs; honestly, I was thankful. I felt like I was only capable of the bare minimum. Being around Sol and Cade was the only thing that brought me joy.
The doctor said that was normal and that I needed to go to therapy to work through what he called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I was not the only one with these kinds of problems. All the northerners who were with me when the initial attack happened were also suffering, just as I was. We were to start group therapy as well as individual therapy once everyone was out of the hospital. I just felt so weak and powerless.
When we got home and passed by Roberts's room, I couldn't help but cry. He had been so good to me. He had died because of me. The guilt was consuming. I didn't know if I could go into the kitchen without Becky. Cade rubbed light circles on my back, comforting me as we entered our den. Cade mind-linked me. "You should get a bath and rest before dinner." I just nodded. I didn't know what else to do with myself.
I stripped out of the clothes and walked into the bathroom. I looked in the mirror. It was shocking to see my reflection. I looked horrible. I had bite marks all over my face. I moved my black hair and removed the bandage over the side of my head to get a good look at my ear. And when I looked, I was horrified. It was just gone. There was nothing there. I burst out crying. I examined my body. It had bite marks and cuts. I knew Cade said they would fade over time, but I couldn't help but cry.
How would he ever find me attractive again? I sobbed and sobbed and couldn't stop looking at my reflection. My eyes had deep dark circles under them. My hair looked messy; I looked like a mess. Cade came into the bathroom, and he looked at me. "Don't pity me." I signed. "I don't. I look at you, and I see your strength."
"You are just saying that you and I both know I am ugly beyond belief. I am scared and Mared, and for Goddess's sake, I am missing a fucking ear." I signed. Cade approached me and cupped my face, looking right at me. I watched his lips move as he spoke. "Kaya, you are beautiful and don't worry about your ear. It was useless anyways." He gave me a smile. I knew he was joking to cheer me up, and I offered him a half smile, telling him I appreciated it. "I am serious, though. You are beautiful, and the scars will fade. Plus, anyone who sees you will know just how strong you are." I signed. "Thanks."
Cade leaned in and kissed me gently. I leaned into his touch. He always knew how to make me feel valued. "Now, how about a bath?" Cade mind linked. I looked at the tub. "I will wash you." I raised my eyebrow. "You will wash me?" I mind-linked, and he nodded. "What about Sol?" "She is in her crib taking a nap. She will be fine, but I can leave the door open if it makes you feel better." "Yeah, that is a good idea."
Cade took time washing my body gently. My body was so stiff and sore. The doctors told me that since I was so stressed recovery would take longer. I still couldn't believe I had been so injured that my body would never fully recover, and I would have to be scared for the rest of my life. Now, Sol would not only have a deaf mother but a disfigured one. My self-worth was so low. I didn't know how I would move past the guilt and anxiety and all the things that battered my mind.
Cade didn't say much as he washed me. But when we were done, I got out of the tub, found a pair of soft leggings, and took one of Cade's long-sleeve t-shirts. I wanted his smell to envelope me. It calmed me down and helped me feel safe. Cade carried Sol down the stairs for dinner with me and my family. He had the deltas eating elsewhere for the next few days to help me adjust to returning home. But Mark, Helen, Charlie, Kimi, and my family would be there, and I suddenly became so nervous. They would all look at me like I was why this happened. "Take a deep breath." Cade mind linked. I did as he said, and we walked into the dining hall.
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