Chapter 208
Rachel
“Hi Rachel” “Hi Helen” “How are you? How was your week?” “I’m good a bit sad I just dropped my brother at the airport.” “Oh that’s nice, did he come to visit because of what happened?” “No it was a surprise visit, needless to say it didn’t go well the first few hours, when he saw my face.” “I can just imagine, but you sorted it and you guys could have a nice visit further?” “Yes we did, thank you.” “You have anything to tell me about the week or your feelings?” “There is actually an incident I want to talk about.” “I’m listening Rachel.” “Massimo and I tried my boundaries, I was fine with everything he did. He kissed me all over but when he came to my belly button, I sort off pulled back which he immediately felt and stopped.” “That’s good of him.” “Yes but then I wanted to push that boundary.” “What do you mean?” “I wanted him to touch me down there, he said I should take his hand and put it on my pussy myself.” “And?” “He kissed me in my neck and I put his hand on my pussy but as he was kissing me I asked him to slip his finger inside me and he stopped.” “And how did that make you feel?” “I was furious, we had a big fight. I told him he didn’t want me because I was damaged. It was a big back and forth. I pulled it totally out of proportion. I know that now but when it happened I was totally irrational. He said he didn’t want to push me, which I appreciated when I calmed down but not while we where busy fighting. I didn’t appreciate that at all. Massimo walked away from me.” “How did that make you feel?” “I went after him and I continued the fight. I wanted him and it felt that he didn’t want me anymore, because of what happened. I felt rejected and I didn’t like the feeling at all.” “How did you and Massimo get over the fight?” “I walked out of his office he left me to calm down. I went to take a bath and I thought about my reaction. I knew it was all me but I didn’t want it to be my fault. Massimo came into the bathroom and joined me. We sat in the bath and talked it out.” “Does he know you felt rejected?” “No I didn’t tell him that, I’m sure he knows that. We talked more about, him not wanting to take it to far to quickly he doesn’t want to mess with my recover. But in my eyes having that intimacy is part of my recovery.” “First of all you can’t assume he knew you felt rejected Rachel, you need to tell him and second of all you sure you ready for that Rachel?” “I think it should be my decision if I’m ready or not.” “I understand what you saying, but taking it to fast can make you feel differently.” “Helen I’m still raw so we can’t have sex right away, that’s why I want him to touch my pussy, I want to be ready mentally when I’m ready physically.” “That does make sense Rachel, but did you put him down and explain it to him that way. Or are you to in your head about the fact that you think you damage goods?” “I haven’t told him that in so many words no, but I’m also sure my problem is that I’m to much in my head about being damage goods.” “Then we’ll have to work on that Rachel, because what happened to you doesn’t make you damage goods it wasn’t your fault and I’m sure Massimo will be the first to tell you that.” “I know, he already said that multiple times but that’s how I feel, I feel damaged and dirty.” “Then that is what we should work on.” “But how, it’s not like you have a magical wand that will make that feelings disappear. That’s how I feel.” “I know I don’t have a magic wand but we can talk about it and I could tell you over and over it’s not your fault. We can change your mind set.” I sat on the couch thinking how on earth will talking help me change my mind-set. Again I was back to I don’t think therapy is for me, but I still need to give it a change. “If you think about the man that did this to you, what do you think?” I’m glad his dead, but I couldn’t say that. So what do I think. “Filthy, stinks, gross, that’s what I think about and the fact that someone so filthy was inside me.” “You don’t wish he gets caught or gets killed?” Was this a trick question? I thought “It’s natural to wish a person dead that this to you Rachel.” “Yes off course I wish his dead, I’s rather see him dead than in prison and I have to testify in a court room against him. I’d rather never see him again.” “That’s more than a natural reaction, but you also have to be ready if they do catch him to be able to testify.” Women they’ll never find the son of a bitch again. I thought to myself. How do I react now? “And how do I get ready for that day?” “By working through the emotions you have now.” “I can do that.” “Then you be ready to face him in court, I’m very sure the police is doing everything they can to find this man.” We’re walking hard for the police not to search for him. I thought. “What is your suggestion for when I get this feeling I’m damage goods and Massimo don’t want me anymore?” “The only thing I could suggest is to speak to Massimo when you feel like this and if his not available, to speak to yourself and tell yourself it’s not true what happened to me was not my fault, I’m not to blame. This should be your battle creed. Say that as many times a day to yourself as you can. It will help you believe it to, because Rachel that is the truth. It was not your fault by an way.” “But it is.” I sobbed “No Rachel it was not, going out to a store and being taken is not your fault, what happened when you where a prisoner was not your fault. You need to remember that and stop thinking you shouldn’t have gone out. That’s a normal thing to do.” “I’ll try. I also need to know how not to fight with him over any small thing when it comes to intimacy.” “Rachel, you are dramatized and you are pregnant, I’m sorry but you will act irrational sometimes. The best advice I can give you is to talk about your feelings rather than fight. If you feel rejected, tell your husband and listen to his explanation. The best advice is to talk and to listen. There is no other way.” “ Thank you Helen, the other thing before I forget, Massimo wants to know if it will help if he joins us for a session?” “It couldn’t do any harm, if you okay with it.” “Yes I am.” “Will we make it the same time next week.” “Yes thank you Helen.” “Rachel before you go remember to speak to Massimo and to listen. It counts for both of you talk to each other and listen.” “Thank you Helen, see you next week.”
I walked out and got in the car, I need a run after that session but I’ll have to settle for a jog. “Where to Rachel?” “Home Marco and then will you go for a jog with me?” “Off course.” As we drove home I wondered how Massimo’s meeting are going with the families.
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