Emotional Guilt
Sadie’s pov
Sometimes, when you feel guilty about something, you think others might know or feel the same way. So when my mum asked, “Who was that who dropped you off in the car that just left?” I was caught off guard. I thought maybe she had figured out the secret I was trying to keep. It took me more than a few seconds to clear my head. I almost made it to my room without answering, but she followed me, trying to hold my hand like mothers do, and asked again, “Won’t you tell me who brought you home? What are you hiding?”
I looked into her eyes and knew she wasn’t going to let this go. So I finally said, “It was Justin, my best friend’s dad.” I had already thought of what to say next, depending on her reaction.
“How kind of him,” she replied. “Even though it was late, he still took the time to pick you up. He must care about you like a daughter—it’s what any father would do.”
Hearing her words, I felt relieved, and I went into my room. But all night, her words, “how kind of him,” kept repeating in my mind. I found myself thinking about him, yet my mum’s words, “He must care about you like a daughter,” kept bothering me. If even my mum saw it that way, why should I feel any different?
The next morning, my phone rang, waking me up. For a second, I hoped it was Justin calling, but when I looked at the screen, I saw Daisy’s name. I picked up.
“Hi, Daisy. How was your night?” I asked, stretching in bed.
“Good! Sadie, are you coming with my dad?” she asked.
“I don’t think so. My mum’s boyfriend has offered me a good job, and I’m on the verge of accepting it. Accepting the job would also strengthen my mum’s relationship with her boyfriend, and I might start working the day after tomorrow,” I said.
“Really?” Daisy responded, sounding a bit unsure.
“Yes!” I replied confidently.
“It’s bittersweet for me. I miss you. When will we see each other again?” she asked.
“Don’t worry, within the next three months, I’ll find a way to take a week off from work. Daisy, you’ll always be in my thoughts, and with our phones, we will be in touch,” I assured her.
“Please take care of yourself. I thought you didn’t want to come back here because of your new relationship,” Daisy expressed her concern.
“No, Daisy. The guy is not what I want, and actually, I’m not interested in any relationship right now,” I said. When I realized that the conversation wasn’t going to end and she was desperate to know more, I quickly added, “I’ll give you a call later. I can hear my mum calling my name,” and ended the call. I sat on my bed, finding it difficult to even stand up.
Should I give Paul a chance in my life and face the reality of how people expect things to be done? Or are my feelings for Justin just superficial? I still have some feelings for Paul, and I can’t deny that, but my love for Justin is undeniable. Justin is leaving today, and I’m sure I’m not going back with him. I can’t even look at him without being drawn to his attractive physique. The only way to resist Justin’s love is to avoid setting my eyes on him. Now that I’ve succeeded in doing that, the emotional torment is weighing me down. I can’t even get him out of my mind or think about anything else.
“No,” I spoke out loud. I need to distract my mind from this. I went to my wardrobe and changed out of my nightgown into a black dress. I noticed that half of my clothes were at Daisy’s house since I had planned to stay there for a while. Why is everything I think about connected to Justin’s house? Is it because I’m alone or because I’m not occupied with something?
I left my room and went to meet my mum in her room. When I got there, she was busy giggling on a call, undoubtedly with her boyfriend. I knew that continuously watching my mum in such a romantic state might trigger the thoughts that made me leave my room. I went up to her and whispered in her other ear, even though she was on a call.
“Mom, what are we having for breakfast?”
She looked at me with a smile, and because she was engrossed in her call, she didn’t fully grasp what I had asked. She took the phone away from her ear and before doing so, she said to her boyfriend,
“Please give me a few seconds.” She turned her attention to me and asked,
“What did you say?”
“What should I make for breakfast?” I asked again.
“Hmmm…” she hummed and put the phone back to her ear, asking Ben,
“What do you feel like eating for breakfast?” This question initially angered me, and I questioned why my mum would ask Ben what she should eat. Ben was far away, and what my mum said next made me understand why she asked that question.
“Or are you not coming here this morning?” she asked Ben. In those few seconds of thought, my mum turned to me after listening to Ben and said,
“Please prepare some bacon, egg, and cheese sandwiches,” and then she returned to her call. I didn’t know what Ben said to her on the phone, but she couldn’t stop smiling, even close to laughter. At that moment, my feet were eager to leave my mum’s room. I didn’t like what I was seeing, and it was worsening my emotions.
I left my mum’s room and closed the door behind me. Then I headed to the kitchen to prepare the breakfast she had asked for. As soon as I left her presence, I felt a significant difference, and all my troubling thoughts subsided.
While I was in the midst of preparing the meal, I heard my mum’s voice, and I wondered if she had been talking to Ben since I left her room.
“Thank you so much,” were the first words my mum said when she entered the kitchen. She walked closer to me and kissed my cheek.
“I missed your absence. I always feel your presence, and I couldn’t deny the fact that I missed having you around.”
I smiled at her and continued with my task, and she joined me in the kitchen. A few minutes later, she spoke, and the way she said it made it seem like the thought had just occurred to her.
“Sadie, I thought you were talking about going back to meet Daisy again, but we didn’t finish our discussion.”
“Yes,” I replied. As I took the pot off the gas burner, I paused for a moment. Then, as I placed the frying pan on the heat, I continued, “I had plans to go back, but I have changed my mind for now. I will go, but not right now.”
“Okay. Justin told me he will be leaving this town today and…” My mum kept talking, but the moment she mentioned Justin, I lost track of what she was saying. I was physically present next to my mum, but my mind wasn’t there with me anymore until she tapped me.
“Can’t you see that what you’re frying is burning?”
Her touch and words brought me back to reality, and I responded as if I had just woken up from a nap. However, I tried not to let my mum know that I had been deeply lost in thought, so I found a way to change the subject.
“When is Ben coming?” I asked.
“He must be close. He said he was coming here while we were still on the phone.”
“Maybe I’ll talk to him about the job he mentioned to me…” I hadn’t finished my sentence when my mum interrupted.
“That would be a fantastic idea,” she said, with a great joy on her face.
I knew why my mum was so happy. By accepting the job from Ben, it meant that I was opening myself up to getting closer to him. This was something my mum had always wanted.
“Ben will be very happy to hear that from you.”
“I know,” I nodded. After a few more minutes, we finished in the kitchen. As we were planning to bring the food to the dining room, we heard a knock on the front door.
“That must be Ben,” my mum said, with a sparkle of joy in her eyes. She grabbed a large dish with some food in it, intending to place it on the dining table and then rush to open the door. I could see the joy emanating from my mum’s actions. One by one, I placed the food on the table, and eventually, my mum and Ben walked towards the dining table.
“Hi Sadie!” Ben smiled at me. I looked at him, and he continued, “Thank you so much. Your mum told me how you woke up early to prepare the meal.”
I turned towards my mum, and the first thing she did was give me a wink with her right eye.
“Yeah! I prepared it,” I said, trying to maintain some composure, although my eyes kept changing Ben’s face to Justin’s face. I quickly averted my gaze and sat down, saying,
“Please, let’s eat.” I smiled, and we all sat down and started eating.
A few minutes later, something came over my mum, and she giggled. I had been focused on my meal, avoiding looking at Ben’s face. But when I finally raised my eyes to them, it felt as if Justin was sitting there, teasing my mum.
I immediately stood up, drawing their attention.
“What’s wrong, sweetheart?” my mum asked.
“Nothing! I just remembered something. Please, I’ll be right back,” I replied, and I walked out of the dining room with one mission in mind. As soon as I reached my room, I took my phone and I dialed Paul’s number. While the phone was ringing and I was waiting for Paul to answer, I questioned myself,
“Will Paul be able to suppress these feelings I have for Justin?”
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