Chapter 169: Not The Time Yet
Chapter 169: Not The Time Yet
Elena
I had been feeling a little strange for the past couple of days. I had thought that maybe I ate something at the wedding that my body didn't accept but as the day went by, I still felt nauseous. I never threw up but I always felt uneasy.
At first, I had suspected food poisoning but then even after the medication, it never gave up. But then, there was only one thing I noticed, I started feeling like my clothes were now fitting a little too tight. Like breasts are a little big now and I had to go to the market yesterday to get another set of bras. It has increased a whole size almost overnight.
But the change didn't stop there, I was craving weird things. Last night I had asked the chef to prepare salmon and pickles and now I have this weird craving for ice cream, it all started a few days ago.
The only word that had crossed my mind since I woke up this morning was 'pregnant ' but I laughed at the thought.
Although Bernard and I had talked about having children, we didn't exactly say that we want them now. I had waited for the initial panic to hit but it never came. There was just this calm in my chest, I wasn't scared but I also wasn't over the moon excited. I was in shock.
To be fair, I hadn't even taken a test to prove my theory that I am in fact pregnant. But there was a part of me that didn't want to take the test, I wanted to live in this little bubble of ignorance. I didn't want to find out the truth because what if the results came out that I was not pregnant? It was no secret that when Bernard and I made love, we were not careful in any way, shape, or form. I wanted to be a mother and I am ready for it, I knew my husband wanted to be a father as well but was he ready for that right now?
I jumped out of my skin when I felt his lips touch my bare shoulder. I had been sitting on the porch stairs staring out to the sunset, I was so in my head all day and I had told him I wasn't going to do any work today. I was too anxious about the possibility of being pregnant.
"How are you feeling now, my love?" He sat down beside me and took my hand in his.
"I am better,"
I was lying, I was still anxious but I was unwilling to take the test. I wanted to tell him but I feared his reaction. Would he be happy? Would he be afraid? Would he regret it? We were still so young, I am in my early twenties. Many people of my age were living it up and partying and most of them weren't Luna to a powerful Pack. I had different priorities than the average of my age.
"My love," I looked at him.
"Remember when we spoke about children and how we would start trying?" I nodded slowly.
"How would you react if I got you pregnant?"
Silence was what filled the space we were in. Even the birds that had been chirping not long ago grew silent. He stared at me with those green eyes holding my gaze. I tried to search for any sign of what he could have possibly been thinking but there was nothing, he was blank.
"Bernard," I said his name slowly like I feared setting him off and remained still.
Then after a few agonizing minutes, he blinked. He returned to reality and squeezed the hand he was holding. He didn't need to say anything because I saw the answer swimming in his eyes, fear. The thought of me being pregnant scared him, and my stomach dropped. That was the last thing that I wanted, I had been naive to think that I would see the elation in his face, we had only talked about this topic a few days ago.
"Are you……. are you pregnant?"
His voice was calm but his eyes were panicked. They moved from my face to my still felt stomach.
"I don't know," his eyebrows knitted together in confusion.
"What do you mean you don't know?"
"I feel pregnant, I have all the signs, nausea, the weird craving, and my boobs growing but I haven't taken a test yet."
"And why not?" I looked away from him, feeling slightly embarrassed.
He used his free hand to cup my face, moving my face until I faced him. My reasoning was stupid, I know I should have just gone straight to the pharmacy to pick up a test and have a definitive answer but I feared that answer. After seeing his reaction, I didn't know if it was better to see one line or two in the test strip.
"Elena?" He pressed.
"I am scared to take it, I don't want to know for sure if I am pregnant or not."
"But why? If you are pregnant, then we would have our answer and then we would make the necessary arrangements and deal with the issues. If you aren't, then we can put the anxiety to rest."
Did I have anxiety about the possible pregnancy? Yes, but now that I was analyzing it again, it didn't just feel like anxiety anymore. There was an element of excitement behind it. His words then played in my head again.
"What do you mean the necessary arrangements?"
The way he had worded his words didn't sit well with me, I didn't like the way he made the possibility of a baby…. our baby seems like a chore to deal with.
"I mean that we would need to prepare for the arrival of the baby. They need preparations, Elena, we can't just lounge around and hope for the best. They would need a place to sleep, we would need a plan on how you would deliver. We also need to take classes to help us prepare for the arrival."
"I get that but it is not just your words, Bern. It is your eyes as well, you wouldn't want me to be pregnant right now, would you?"
He was quiet for a while but that was enough for me. I dropped his hand from mine and scooted away from him slightly. He let out a frustrated grunt and angled his body in my direction.
"Elena, is now really the best time for a baby? Think about it logically. There are so many things taking place right now and you want to add a baby to the mix? It wouldn't be fair."
"Fair to whom exactly?" I crossed my arms over my chest.
"To the baby of course. I would want to give my 100% attention to you both but right now, it would be impossible. We are adding new procedures and protocols that need perfecting not to mention the wolves which you added to the Pack. Let's also not forget how you are still acclimating to your role as Luna. How do you expect to grow in your role while you are trying to breastfeed at the same time?" I was too stunned to speak but he was not yet done saying his piece.
"Elena, I love that you are always so optimistic and filled with hope but be practical here. We should at least give it a year before you actually get pregnant."
"But you said that you were ready to start trying a few days ago?"
"Not right away," he said exasperatedly.
"I thought maybe you would want to start next summer when you fully understand your role and can do it well."
I don't know why I was getting too worked up about this but I am. I had thought we were on the same page but now I realized we weren't even reading the same book. I stood from the stairs and started walking towards the door but he caught me by the arms. I tried to release myself from his hold but he only tightened his hand. I snapped my neck in his direction and gave him a hard glare. He was taken slightly aback by the ferocity in my eyes but he didn't back down, he kept me in his hold.
"I am sorry, I didn't mean to react that way."
"No, you did, Bernard. You made your feelings very clear in the situation." I ripped my arm from his hold.
"I will take the test tomorrow."
I stormed into the house and didn't stop until I was locked in my room and safely under my covers. My hand found its way over my flat stomach. I didn't know if there was a life growing inside me but I hope there was.
I wanted to be pregnant, I wanted to have a baby growing inside me and I wanted Bernard to be happy at the prospect of having a child right now. Maybe it was selfish of me to want him to be excited. I am ready for this now but it was clear that he wasn't.
I don't know what I was going to do if the pregnancy test came back positive. I also feared how my heart would react if I was actually pregnant.
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