Chapter 175: A Mistake

Chapter 175: A Mistake

Doris

I felt oddly warm when morning came, I tried to move but I felt a heavy weight on my waist. What in the world? Then it all came flooding back to me. Jasper, he came knocking at my door in the dead of night.

The kiss, my eyes snapped open and I looked over my shoulder at the man who was laying beside me, asleep. I stared at him for a moment, marveling at how peaceful he looked. But when he was awake, he did his best to look unfazed and touched, his eyes told a different story. The story of a man who felt like he had the world on his shoulder. Bernard had been like that until he met Elena. He was so cute, his sharp features seemed to soften in sleep.

Jasper stirred a little, tightening his hold on me and pulling me closer to him. When his skin touched mine, I realized that we were both naked. I squeezed my eyes shut. We slept together last night, we had crossed the line that had been emboldened for us in bright red.

I could still feel the evidence of last night's actions between my legs, I remembered it being hot and wild and so intoxicating. He was like this drug that I never wanted to quit. He was both pleasure and pain, he was the high that I chased but I would eventually have to feel the crash after. I knew the consequences of my decisions, I had been well aware of what I had been doing last night, I should have stopped, I should have told him to stop, I should have told him that I didn't want us to have sex but I had been selfish. I wanted him, no I had craved him.

I had spent the last couple of weeks avoiding him and breaking my own heart in the process. I had to turn off one of the most natural and warm things I had ever felt in my life. I had to turn it off to save both of us the pain that I knew our love would eventually become. For people like me, there was only ever disappointment for those who got too close. There was no consistency in my life, all the men in my life had failed me and it had ruined me, I don't know how to fix myself again.

I knew what Jasper wanted, he wanted my heart but I couldn't give him something that wasn't functioning anymore. My heart had long been damaged and scarred, what remained was only a mechanical thing that was incapable of what he wanted from me. I had been doing him a favor by staying away, it would only hurt for now, and eventually, he would forget about me.

The thought itself burned me like cobra venom, even imagining him with another woman was like a bullet right through my heart but it was better this way. I opened my eyes and stared out at the rising sun, I placed my hand on top of his and threaded our fingers together. His fingers tightened around mine on instinct but he didn't wake, he was such a heavy sleeper.

I knew I didn't have time to be like this with him for much longer. He will wake up soon and I would be forced to face the harsh reality that was my life. It was a necessary pain I would need to inflict on him but for now, I would enjoy the feel of his arms around me. I felt safe in his arms, they felt secure enough for me to fall without caution which was exactly what I had done. I had fallen in love with Jasper, I didn't remember the exact day or time, it happened but I knew that I was in love with this man. The only problem was that he was the man I could not have no matter how badly I wanted him.

I closed my eyes and allowed the closeness of the man I love to wash a peace over me that I rarely felt. I allowed the darkness to lure me into his arms and then I fell asleep.

I didn't know what time it was exactly but the next time I opened my eyes, the sun was fully out and the sound of young pups in the park near my house could be heard. Then I noticed the absence of the strong arm that had been around my waist. I turned and saw that the space next to me was empty and we were the pajama pants that I had removed from Jasper's body last night.

"He left," I said like I was in disbelief.

I should have been happy that he woke up while I was still sleeping. It saved both of us from awkward conversations that we were going to have. I was not ready for it and I was sure that he didn't want to hear it from me. I got out of my bed and pulled the oversized t-shirt over my head. My bare feet padded on the Hardwood floor as I made my way downstairs to the kitchen. I needed coffee to start my crap day off. I turned the corner into the kitchen but I stopped short when I noticed who was sitting at the kitchen island.

"You are here," I said, a little breathless.

I hadn't intended on sounding so relieved but I couldn't help it. Seeing him still in the house with his pajama pants on meant that he hadn't left me.

"I thought you had left."

"I wanted to," he looked down at his hands.

"I probably should have but something held me back." I gulped.

An awkward silence fell over the room, I stood awkwardly by the entrance while he stared into space. We had shared the most intimate things two people could share. We had seen each other's nakedness but now we were suddenly shy in front of one another. It was kind of funny if you actually thought about it. I opened my mouth but then I quickly closed it. The initial words of telling him how I thought last night was a mistake has been on the tip of my tongue but for some reason, I couldn't say it. I knew I needed to but I couldn't.

I had to be the voice of reason between the two of us but looking at him and remembering how complicated and whole I had felt last night, I could do it. Not because I didn't think what we did was reckless and dumb, I didn't say anything because I didn't regret a damn thing about last night. I licked my lips and stared at the man who had unknowingly stolen my heart and now held it captive.

"Listen," I started.

"About last night, I just want to say that……"

"It was a mistake," his neck snapped to me.

"That's what you were going to say right?" I opened my mouth to speak but he cut me off.

"For once, we agree on something, Doris. Last night should have never happened and I am so sorry for showing up at your door. I was weak and I should have just stayed away like I had planned. This…." He gestured between the two of us.

"This is not healthy for either of us, I had been forcing something that clearly didn't want to come to life and for that, I am truly sorry."

I wanted to tell him that he had it all wrong and that I wanted him, I wanted us. I am willing for us to try now but I kept my mouth shut. I just stared at him with that perfected blank expression I had used over the years. He was looking at me like I was probably some cold, heartless witch but that wasn't the case. I felt everything which is why I had turned it off and now that I had turned it back on again, I was rolling in agony on the inside. I should have spoken up and said something but instead, I found myself nodding.

"Yes, you are right. This is all toxic and we just don't work. It is best for everyone that we just keep our separate paths." My voice came cool and calm but internally I was writhing from the emotional pain and I wanted to stop it.

He stood up and walked up to me, he stared down at me with an unreasonable expression. I wanted more than anything to get a sneak peek into his mind at this very moment. But then again, I realized that whatever he was thinking while looking at me was something better left unsaid and unheard. I didn't want to see what he truly thought of me because it scared me. I wanted to imagine that he still thought the world of me and that this little agreement we were having was hurting him just as much as it was hurting me.

He didn't say anything else, he just turned and left my house. I stood in the kitchen for ten minutes just staring at the door that I could see from the archway of the kitchen. I stared at the door like he would open it again and profess his undying love for me but he never came back. And with that realization, I crumbled.

I fell to the floor with my knees tucked to my chest. I let the silent tears fall and I allowed myself this one and only moment to break.