Chapter 173: I Need To Be Strong
Chapter 173: I Need To Be Strong
Elena
All I wanted was to be left alone, to be able to wither away of my own accord. The wave of emotions that would constantly and sporadically slap me across the face was exhausting. My tears had long dried up but yet my body was permanently frozen on the mattress. I lay there with my face in the pillow and my silent aching sobs being the only thing that I could feel in my empty chest. Why must it be like this? Why me?
I thought our marriage and life would be perfect, I thought we had done everything right. Was it my fault that this had happened? I thought for sure that I was pregnant, the symptoms, emotions, late menstruation, everything, all pointed to that fact. But the bloated, aching cramps that now leave me immobilized tell me the truth even if I had ignored the pregnancy test. I wasn't with the child but the onset of my menstruation must have been pushed off track with all the stress of becoming Luna. It had happened before when I was first pushed out of my Pack and set on the run. I didn't have my menstruation for two months but this was different. Back then, I wasn't active but now I had Bernard. Was it so wrong to believe, to want to have a child right now?
He came back late at night, quietly entered our room, and wrapped his arms around my waist. His strong, comforting embrace was what I so badly needed but I couldn't bring myself to acknowledge him. We had remained in that position for hours until I had finally drifted off to sleep, dreaming of my patients and how they would never meet their grandchild. How cruel was this world?
But when I woke up this morning, Bernard was gone. There was a glass of water, some Tylenol, and one of my favorite muffins on my nightstand. He knew me well, as the piercing headache made itself known by throbbing in my temples. I swished down the medication with water before slowly sitting up. My stomach protested, sharp stabs of pain dotting my side but I refused to allow it to hinder my movements. It wasn't even as bad as it usually was.
I dragged my feet, forcing myself into the bathroom. My eyes were puffy, angry, and red. I splashed ice-cold water on my face, hoping that would help to bring down the swelling even by a portion. Once I was done, I stopped in the center of the bedroom, my body tense. Every nerve and muscle was exhausted even though I had a long night's rest. I wanted to crawl under the covers and never come back up. I never wanted to see the light of day again.
As I moved to do exactly that, there was a knock on the room door. Who could that be? Only a few are allowed to enter our private residence without prior warning. It is as though my body is sluggish and heavy as I force myself over to the door and open it.
It was Alisha on the side, all but bouncing a vibration of excitement wafting from her. The grin on her face clashed with my shadowed anguish but I forced a crooked smile on my lips to hide my emotions. I should tell her everything, she is one of my closest friends and my assistant Luna. She is someone I can trust.
"Good morning, Elena!"
She danced forward, swinging her arms around my neck and giggling before releasing me bounding into the room. I barely had time to shut the door before she landed on the edge of the bed, a sigh escaping her excited features.
"You are here early?"
I continued to hide behind the pleasant mask and moved to sit next to her. How could I even bring up what happened? I hadn't told anyone except Bernard about the possibility of me being pregnant and now the very thought of saying it aloud has my throat tightening until it cuts off any oxygen that tries to get through.
"I couldn't wait."
Her face was lit up with a glow that I couldn't quite place. She is happy and normally that would be chalked up to her finally getting married but today, with my shadows at the forefront of my thoughts, I knew that it was something else. I interlocked my finger in my lap and dug my nails in until the pain seared up into my arms and neck. I wanted to tell her, I needed to tell someone. The words were trapped on my tongue, the urge dying quickly as I thought about her smile. Did I really want to bring her down when she was already so happy? I don't want her upset but I needed to let this off my chest. It was tearing me apart from the inside out and I was bringing Bernard down with me.
If I couldn't figure this out, then what? Was I simply going to remain in this room for the rest of my days giving Alisha orders and avoiding my mate? I have to let it out, it continues to build within my chest, growing from a small pebble into a large boulder that suffocates my lungs.
"Alisha…"
"Elena, I have such exciting news!"
She squealed over my voice and I cut my sentence off. She hadn't heard me and there was almost a relief in my breath.
"What is it?"
What could be making her happy this way so early in the morning? Maybe she had heard good news from Jack or she had been having a wonderful time with married life. I could attest to how wonderful it is or at least, it was. Her eyes shifted so that she was facing me, her eyes serious and her lips tight.
"Elena….."
The tension tightened in the air, constricting around the both of us. Almost to the point that I had to gasp for a breath.
"I am pregnant!"
What! Had I heard her correctly? No, yes? She is pregnant…she is going to have a child. My body spun inward and I didn't know if I was drowning or flying, crashing or burning. I had no idea if I was even still sitting on the bed in front of my assistant or if I had crumpled into a puddle on the floor. Alisha is pregnant and I wasn't.
It was like trudging through sludge to get my brain back in working order but once I did, I could feel my mouth gasping open and Alisha's concerned gaze looking up at me.
"What's wrong, Elena?"
Those innocent eyes, the wave of anger and irritation that washed over me weren't right. I shouldn't be feeling like this, Alisha hasn't done anything wrong and yet I couldn't help wondering why not me? Why her? Was there truly something wrong with me?
"Oh, nothing. I….I am just shocked. That's so soon."
My voice felt foreign as though someone else had taken over my body and was speaking for me.
"I know, I was surprised too but it's really a miracle."
Her entire body was trembling but it was with excitement as she touched her stomach and grinned.
How can I tear her down? How could I ever bring up my own issues especially in this moment of happiness for her? I don't want her to think that I am not here for her.
"That's amazing, Alisha. I can't believe it, I am so happy for you guys."
Alisha reached out and tugged me forward into another hug and I used that time to release the tears I had been holding at bay since she entered the room. My one friend, the only one I could ever tell about what happened and I can't even say a thing. Come on, I needed to get a hold of myself, I am Luna of the Pack. I needed to be stronger than this.
"Alisha, you are going to be a fantastic mother."
I tightened my grip and refused to let her pull away so that I could compose myself once more. Maybe it was true, if she was able to have a child so quickly then maybe I was the reason I haven't gotten pregnant yet. How could I do that to Bernard? He is an Alpha. He needed children to continue the succession fairly, even if he hadn't wanted a child right now. He must in order to maintain his family name.
I buried my face down into Alisha's shoulder and allowed my body to tremble. I was sure she must think it was out of excitement but it was merely out of sorrow for the child I never even had.
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