Chapter 90: Believe Me

Chapter ninety: Believe Me

Bernard

To say I wasn't doing well would have been an understatement. I hadn't left my room for what felt like days. My blood had turned more into beer and fast food than actual blood, I was spiraling and I could feel it but I didn't have the energy to pull myself out of the depressive pit. I couldn't get the image out of my mind. The way he held her in his arms, the way he looked at her angered me and my wolf even more. I wanted to rip his arms clean off his body for what he had done.

I had let her in, I had bulldozed all my walls down for her and let her into my heart. I let her have access to every last piece of my soul. She reached in and tore everything apart. Maybe it had been my fault for not letting her know sooner, maybe it was my fault for having withheld one of my greatest insecurities. Maybe it was my fault because I still allowed the past to control me now.

To anyone who doesn't know me, they often thought I was cold and reserved. To be honest, that was what I had portrayed myself as. I am the big strong Alpha who could never seem weak in front of his people but if I am being truthful, that is not who I am. That person that I had put on was Alpha Bernard but that wasn't me. The real me is just Bernard, the only child of Joseph and Elizabeth. I am the child who likes to ride his bike through the trails, play by the docks near the lake, and hang out with three best friends which were Liam, Jasper, and Nicholas. But I had to kill that side of me a long time ago, I had to make room for Alpha Bernard to come through. He was big and in charge, it wasn't because I wanted him to come through either, he just made the appearance out of circumstances.

I dated Ivory for the better part of my adolescent years but after we turned eighteen and realized that we weren't mates, we parted ways. It was an amicable breakup and we chose to remain friends. The only unfortunate thing was everyone else who followed after her just seemed to want to use me. They didn't care about Bernard, the child who liked to ride bikes through the trails. They only cared about Alpha Bernard, they wanted the status, the money, and the power that came with being my partner.

Before Elena, I had been in love but it wasn't the kind of all-consuming love I felt for Elena. It was the kind of love many would consider their first love. You know that kind of love that you don't expect, it just hits you all at once. It is a new adventure and fun, kind of like a roller coaster. That was the kind of love I had for Liza. She was the kind of beauty that you only saw in magazines. Her beauty was loud and demanded your attention. I met her when I was twenty years old, fell in love with her at twenty-one and she nearly broke me at twenty-two. I was sure that I was going to marry her, I had begun to suspect at nineteen that I didn't have a mate and I was free to choose whoever I wanted as my partner and so I did choose Liza. I let her in and showed her parts of me that I rarely showed anyone. But she fooled me into thinking that she loved me and she wanted us to work. I allowed her to get away from my mind and then she crushed the heart I had given her. From that day onward, I decided to close myself off to all people. Even though I had closed the door on having a potential mate, I couldn't help the small hope I held onto in the back of my heart. I knew that my mate would never be the one to hurt me, never the one to use me because we were mates.

When I found Elena, I placed her on that pedestal so she would never hurt me like Liza did. And then Jack happened and we were back to square one. A part of me wanted to hear her out but just like Liza, when I had first forgiven her, she lied to me again and made me believe that she was telling the truth. I had been fooled into staying with a liar and cheater and I didn't want to put myself through that again because I knew if she had stood in front of me and told me the sky was purple, I would have said yes.

Elena had such a stronghold on me and I couldn't fight it. We were drawn to each other like magnets even now that I am experiencing my greatest pain, I still feel her wolf calling to mine and mine calling to hers. It was so strong, it was like I could hear her voice in my head so clearly.

"Bernard! Open the door, please." I sat up in my bed.

"Elena?"

I waited and then heard the banging again but this time even louder. I made my way out of my room and headed down the stairs towards the foyer. I stopped short when I noticed Elena peeking.

What is she doing here? I had told her to leave. I couldn't speak to her nor could I talk to her. She would bat her eyelashes and I would yield to her commands, I know myself.

"Bernard, please I need to talk to you."

I continued down the stairs and waited in a blind spot to see if she would hopefully leave on her own but she just kept banging. The neighbors were going to hear and then I would have more of a problem to deal with than just this whole Jack nonsense. I walked up to the door and unlocked it. I swung the door open and pulled her inside.

She stumbled into the foyer but managed to keep her footing. It took everything in me not to reach out and grab her. Her scent enveloped me completely and I had to refrain from breathing too deeply. This was exactly what I was afraid of, her very presence disoriented me.

"What are you doing here?" My tone came out harsh and quipped which hasn't been my intention at all.

"I know why you are angry with me but what I don't understand is why you wouldn't just come to me and talk it over. All of this could have been smoothed out with a simple conversation, we would have saved ourselves a lot of trouble and pain."

You would have just lied to me like Liza because that is what women do around men like me. They were only after me because of what I possessed. Elena being with Jack had proved that there was no need for her to explain. I knew what the picture was showing.

"Fine, if you aren't going to talk then you could just listen. I didn't cheat on you, I would never do that. You are the love of my life, my one and only, I would never risk what we have for a mindless connection with people I met less than a few weeks ago." I remained silent.

"You are my mate, Bernard. How could you even think I would cheat on you?"

Because it had been done before and I didn't want to be blindsided like I was with Liza. I needed to protect myself and the Pack. With other women I never knew, I don't know what to expect. At least with Helen, I knew what she wanted, there was no pretense and there was no guessing work which is one of the reasons I had asked her to stay. I still needed to marry and my Pack needed a Luna. Helen was willing and ready to take the position.

"Are you not going to say anything?" I remained silent, she tried to take a step towards me but I took two back.

"Stay back!"

The hurt in her eyes had my heart shattering. I could see the tears welling up in her eyes and she stared at me in complete shock and disbelief.

"Bernard." She whispered.

"This is me, your Elena. The girl you can't go ten seconds without telling her you loved her. The girl you loved cuddling and getting lost with. This is me, Bernard. I am right here, standing in front of you begging you to believe me."

I wanted to say yes that I believed her, I wanted to let her know that she was forgiven for whatever had happened and we could go back to where we had been. I wanted to lay my weapons down and envelop the woman I love into my arms but I didn't, I remained stoic and expressionless. This was Alpha Bernard, this was who I showed to everyone. This wasn't Bernard because he was too hurt and scared to surface.

"It is best you leave, Elena."

She opened her mouth to speak but then she quickly shut it again. She then twisted on her angles and headed out of the door where she came from.

I heard the muffled sobs leave her body as she walked out of my house. It took everything in me not to open my door and run after her.