Chapter 54: It Hurts

Chapter fifty-four: It Hurts

Elena

I walked into the gamma's house and headed straight to the stairs. I took them two at a time until I made it to my floor. I kept my head down and walked to my room in a hurry. Without wasting any time, I placed the key in the keyhole and twisted it, it opened and I stepped inside my room. I shut the door behind me and slid to the floor. I placed my head in between my legs and let every single emotion I had been feeling at the moment out. I tried so hard to hold it together but I just needed to release them.

It is a moment like this that l longed for the days of being a wolf. I never had to deal with so many emotions all at once. When I was still a wolf, my days were hard but they were simple. Wake up, find food, and survive, these were my three easy steps. There was no one there to impress or make a good impression. There were no secrets that needed to be kept hidden. There was just me and nature.

But now, everything is so complicated and it really hurts. I felt like I was walking on constant eggshells with the new life of mine, one wrong move, and everything would fall apart within milliseconds and I hated that. I am not free, I was living in constant worry and fear. I had all the anxiety of being on the run without any of the freedom. Even with my new found independence I had gained for myself, I still felt so trapped. I am not free, I felt so out of place here.

How was this place supposed to be my new home when I felt so foreign here? I had thought that I was building a life for myself here, I had been proud of myself twenty-four hours ago and now I felt like all those steps forward had taken me nowhere. The urge of packing and leaving was gnawing at me but I knew I couldn't. I had promised Bernard that I wouldn't run away again and he had promised me that he would leave Helen but look at what happened now. He was out picking cake flavors with her and I was crying on my bedroom floor.

Then, there is Ivory, a beautiful blonde bombshell who was the paper description of what a good Luna should be like. Her features were delicate and feminine, her body was fit and attractive. Her personality is calming and bubbly, she is social, welcoming, and warm. She is everything I was not. Her mere existence preyed on my insecurities, I didn't want to be that girl who felt threatened by an ex but how could I not?

I ran away from my home when I was just ten years old, I never got the chance to learn how to put myself together. I never learned how to apply make-up and make myself look presentable and cute for boys. I was never taught any of that stuff because I was a wolf most of the time I was living on the run. How could I be desirable to Bernard when he had women like Ivory once in his life? I paled in comparison to her, I didn't want to talk down upon myself but facts were just facts. She is the typical beauty all men craved while I was a unique beauty that few understood. Then, there is Bernard. The core reason behind all of this. He is my reason for smiling, he brought a kind of light into my world that I never knew they existed. He made all the darkness seem bearable, he made me want to let it all show, he made me want to tell him about my demons and the things that scared me. Yet on the same hand, he was the reason behind my pain now. He is the reason for my current situation that I had never felt before in my life. He is mending my heart and yet breaking it at the same time. I know his position was hard but being made to wait in the wings was even harder. I had to endure things like this and not have him by my side.

He asked me to stay with him in his house but I said no, he told me to wait for him while he sorted everything out and I agreed. He hurt me and made me feel unseen, he said sorry and I forgive him. Now I felt like I was giving more than he was giving back. I knew very few things about relationships, seeing as this was my first time but from what I knew about relationships, I learned from watching my parents love each other, that it was all about patience, commitment, and sacrifice. I was trying to be patient with Bernard by letting him end things with Helen and make sure that he didn't lose his reputation. I am fully committed to him, I made it known to him that I am continuously choosing him every single step I am taking. I had sacrificed a lot for him, I was risking my life by being here with him. I was giving up everything that felt safe to me to be here with him. I was giving all of myself and I felt like I was getting only a fraction of him back, it seemed unfair. I let out another sob.

"Elena?" I heard Alisha's muffled voice come from the other side of the door. I lifted my head and brushed away the tears quickly.

"Yes. I replied, trying to make my voice sound normal but anyone could hear the tears in my voice.

"Can I come in, please?"

"No, you can't. My room is a mess and I am cleaning it right now." I muttered.

"Elena, please let me in." Her voice was so gentle.

"I know you are crying and I just want to help, please." I was silent for a moment, tears streamed silently down my face as I tried to numb the pain. It hurts, it really hurts so badly.

"Elena, please. You said we were friends, right? So let me be your friend, allow me to be there for you the way you say you will be there for me." I stood up from the floor and grabbed the knob of the door. I contemplated whether or not I should let her in. I don't want to burden her with my problems, she already had a lot on her plate to deal with and she was carrying the weight of my secret already. I couldn't ask her to possibly carry even more.

"Elena, I am here because I want to be, so allow me to be there for you." I opened the door and let her in and when she saw my face, her eyes filled with empathy. She stepped into my room and closed the door behind her, she enveloped me in a hug. And that triggered a whole new wave of tears again, I sobbed until I couldn't sob anymore.

Every last tear I cried was filled with emotions I had bottled up for what had felt like a lifetime. I had been holding on by a thread since I got here and that thread had finally snapped. By the time my cries had softened to gentle sniffs, I pulled out from her embrace and we stared at each other for a while. My eyes hurt from all the crying and I could feel a headache coming on. My eyes were probably red and swollen but my heart felt a little better.

"Let us sit." She gestured towards my bed.

We sat on my bed with our legs crossed and facing each other. She held my hand in hers for support as I continued to sob softly.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She asked softly.

"You don't have to speak about it if you don't want to. My mother would always tell me that telling someone about your problem helps you solve half of the problem." I shook my head.

"I don't want to burden you, Alisha. I am sure you have more important things that you could be doing right now." I muttered.

"Nothing is more important than being here with you, Elena. You aren't a burden, you are my friend and I care so much about you. You can tell me whatever you like or not, you can just cry if you need to or you can be silent if you want. Either way, I am here for you." I let out a shaky breath.

"I am having problems with Bernard. I went to his house because we needed to talk but his mother was there. She said that he went out with Helen to go and do some cake testing and other stuff for their wedding. She then told me how perfect Helen is and how she would make a great Luna one day and I just kind of lost it." I let out a broken sob as I remembered my conversation with Bernard at the hospital.

"Bernard and I had spoken about how we were going to give us a trial, that he is ready to take that jump with me and I was so excited. I was so happy, Ali and I thought finally, we were going to be together." I smiled sadly.

"I am finally going to be happy and then just like that, it is over. Why would he go cake testing if he is planning on ending things with her? Why would he still be leading her on into thinking that a wedding was happening? Not to mention his ex, Ivory came to the bakery to basically threaten me." Her eyes widened.

"Ivory came to speak with you?" I nodded.

"Ivory came to warn me about getting close to Bernard. I am so tired of all this, Alisha, I am tired of this charade, I am tired of always feeling like I need to be walking on constant eggshells. People are whispering about me, I can hear it and I can feel their stare. I just want it all to……"

"Stop, right?" She finished my sentence for me and I nodded.

"Is love meant to hurt this bad?" She squeezed my hand a little tighter and looked at me deep in the eyes with the softest gaze.

"Nothing great ever comes easy." She said.

I didn't know how to respond to her, so I remained silent. If this was what a great love story was supposed to be then, I definitely want out.