Risk
After I’ve been washed and the bleeding slows I’m helped to my bed. Doctor James waits outside until he’s notified that he can come in. When he comes into the room, someone trails after him carrying equipment. Alpha had spoken to him about my body as if I hadn’t been here. I shouldn’t have expected anything less, and yet, the bar somehow he managed to surprise me.
“Can you tell me what’s going on?” I asked. I had wanted to ask him before, but couldn’t. He quickly rushed out after Alpha left and I was left with the handmaidens. I was unsightly and it was unheard of for woman of high society to be seen in a state less than perfect. James clears his throat and comes to a stop beside me. The man behind him moves about getting everything set up. My mind has been racing since his discussion with Alpha earlier. I hadn’t said anything, I hadn’t been able to. I couldn’t find my voice in front of him after last night.
“You haven’t figured it out?” James asked. I shook my head. “And no one has told you?”
“No,” I choked. “So please.”
“Okay, Luna. May I sit?” James asked.
“Yes,” I whispered. I watch as James reached out his hand. I grabbed it and helped him to where he could sit.
“You’ve lost a lot of blood,” he said.
“I gathered that,” I said.
“I’m going to be honest with you,” James said. He gripped my hand tightly and looked at me with unseeing eyes. I knew he couldn’t see me, but I stared back. I needed to hear it, I needed to confirm my suspicions.
“You’ve miscarried,” James said.
I knew, of course I knew. When he said two heartbeats I knew, but I had to hear it with my own ears. I had to confirm the truth. I was pregnant, or I had been pregnant with Alpha’s child. I was no longer pregnant with his child, I’d lost it. I should feel happy, I should be thanking the Goddess that Alpha got what he deserved. I should be thanking the Goddess for taking the child he’s forced on me. I should be ecstatic that I won’t have to carry the devil’s spawn, but I didn’t feel any of those things. I should be overjoyed knowing that the one thing he wanted was taken from him. I should feel giddy knowing he’d killed it himself, and yet, I didn’t. I felt hollow, I felt empty, I felt like I’d lost a part of me. I didn’t know why I thought that way, or why I felt that way. I knew this was for the best, but I felt it, I felt the loss of it as if part of me had died, as if he’d killed another part of me. A single stray tear runs down my cheek. The doctor’s eyes are warm and he squeezes my hand.
“I’m sorry for your loss. Please lay back and… try to relax while I look over you,” James said. His free hand reached out and gripped my shoulder. He helped lower me until my back was against the pillow. I closed my eyes and waited. “I’m going to check your injuries. I’ll start by looking at your arms.”
Doctor James told me where he was going to touch before he did. He asked permission when he had to look at my body beneath my clothing. He was gentle and touched me tenderly. I could feel the care behind his actions without even having to look at him. I kept my eyes closed. I didn’t trust myself not to start sobbing if I opened them right now. His helper moved around the room, but never touched me. I focused on the field behind my house and envisioned running through it like I had as a child, before my father forbade me from leaving the packhouse. I didn’t say another word and he didn’t say anything to me, at least, not until everything was all done. He dismissed his worker and only when the door closed behind him did I feel the bed dip as he got to his feet. Instead of heading toward the door, he leaned over until he was close enough that only I could hear him.
“If you still need my help, I am still willing,” James whispered. He straightened his back and I listened as his footsteps retreated. The door opened and closed and I was left alone. My eyes flew open and I stared up at the ceiling.
The letter.
I looked around for my dress from yesterday, or scraps of it, but found nothing. After the beating I received last night, I deserve to read it. I feel as if I’m owed to at least know the contents of it. I swallow, he probably took it. My thoughts, my recollection of yesterday’s events are foggy. He found the letter, so it probably isn’t here anymore. The door opens and I freeze. I look over and find Nicole in the doorway. She drops her head in a respectful bow. She lifts her head and steps into the room, closing the door behind her. She rushed forward and grabbed my hands in her own. I stared up at her in confusion, she normally asks first, that’s what’s required of everyone in this pack. I lower my head and my eyes when I feel something feather light placed in my hands.
“I’d leave it here with you, but I cannot risk the chance he finds it,” Nicole said. She smiled sadly and I nodded. Tears filled my eyes.
“Thank you,” I whispered. With shaking fingers, I open the ball of what used to be the letter. I swallow as I take in the ink that sits in the middle of the wrinkled parchment.
Coming.
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