Fucked up
M&M’s for Breakfast ~ Naika
Needing to see more of the painting, I turned from him. Squinting, trying to make out the images. Just like in the hallway, some decorated the walls of his room. There’s a sword piercing a bleeding heart on this one. Beside it, another grabbed my attention. There were lighter colors on this one. Hands hurriedly grabbing at… is that potatoes scattered on the ground? One after the other, I stopped and took it in before moving to the next. Until I came across one, I couldn’t shake.
Long brown hair flowed down, down, down. A woman in what looked like a lake reached for Shane. Her fingers brushed against an inked chest as he stared down at her. There was so much love in his gaze, it made my chest twang with a pain I couldn’t understand. These are familiar, but that’s all wrong because I don’t recall this. Even if Shane was telling the truth about the past lives thing, would it make sense for him to remember and for me not to?
Still, I stare at the way he watches me in that painting before I stare at another. He carries me in this one. He’s focused on my body against his, but I can’t look away from the pain in his eyes. As if it’s both making him happy and killing him to have me in his arms.
A beautiful short dress hugs my curves in another. And for once, I’m able to see my face clearly. The lights dance in my eyes, the smile on my lips genuine, my fingers interlocked with his. He said we weren’t lovers, but in this one, that’s all I see staring back at me.
Love.
The next painting has a sharp intake of breath. I don’t know when it happened, but I’ve left Shane’s side and stand in front of the wall by the door. Three new images sit side by side. The first is the outline of two bodies colliding, lips against cheek, tears dripping, and has my heart beating almost out of my chest. The second, a sword by the bed. But that isn’t what causes tears to stream down my cheeks. It’s Shane’s turned head, obsidian eyes with a ring of yellow staring at the fingers wrapped around the hilt. The hopelessness and understanding there that guts me. And I don’t even know why. I can’t bring myself to look at the next one. Not yet.
The mask he was trying so hard to put back into place was getting old, but what these images were showing me… it made sense. Shane loved me, always has. A flicker of irritation filled my chest. It feels undeserved, and I bat it away. He was hurting himself, and I needed to know why. Even if a voice whispered that I already knew why. Wrapping my arms around my waist, I took in every inch of the painting. I don’t know how I know why he’s conflicted, but I do. But I need him to tell me. I need to hear it.
“Why did you hurt yourself, Shane?” I murmured. The sound of his footsteps bounced off the walls and then he’s there—behind me. My throat is dry and I feel like my world is spinning. One touch from him and I just might implode. His tight grip on my chin forced me to look at the next.
My long brown curls cascade down from my tear-stained face. Both hands hold the sword, piercing his chest. There’s a small smile on his face. His eyes stare up at me as one hand hovered off the bed; reaching for me. It all came down to this. His words float through my mind repeatedly. You swear your love to me, and then I take a knife to the chest. I had corrected him, but this is what he meant. There were more paintings, but I couldn’t move past this one. Like Limbo, I was stuck here. In this picture, in this world, in this life. My lips parted as I tilted my head back so I could glare at him.
Obsidian locked onto my lips before he lowered his mouth to my face. His tongue lapped up the tears streaking down my cheeks. I turned toward the warmth that washed over me. I’m confused and sure all at once.
“You… said we weren’t lovers,” I choked.
“We weren’t,” he answered in between licking my face.
“We were enemies,” I rasped.
This made him stop. His hand cupped my cheek before he lowered his lips to my forehead. The act was so sweet, so genuine, it left me speechless. Intently, he held my gaze.
“No… I was yours. You were never mine.”
More tears streamed down my cheeks. The devotion ringing in his voice sent pin pricks into my aching heart. I felt like a mess. My mind struggled to keep up and make sense of the paintings. Where did they come from?
“I love it when you cry. These tears are mine. Every sadness that grips your heart, every pain you feel… belongs to me. You… are my salvation and my damnation. I should stay away, but I can’t even though every step I take toward you brings me closer to the flames of hell.”
“Adea… you’re the reason I’m so fucked up. My heart. My life. I’ve lost my mind. I don’t care if you don’t remember. I do. I’ve remembered for the both of us. And I don’t care that each life is the same, I’ll be by your side in each one. I’ll never let you move on without me. There’s no me without you.”
“Then why are you so mean to me?”
“I’m driven by madness, Princess. These fragments of the past are all I have. Times I offered my soul to you just so you could use it against me. The anger, the hate… it’s all I have left.”
“You should know… I…lo—”
He brought his lips to my mine. My words and a sob died in my throat as I kissed him back.
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