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Adea
My chest rose and fell with every breath I took. The movements slowed as I took deeper breaths. Fresh tears rushed to my eyes as the wall behind my back held me firmly upright. I’d watched him walk out of here as if I was nothing more than a good lay. My lungs shook and my body seized as I struggled with the raging winds of my emotions. I couldn’t think, couldn’t process why he was leaving, or what I’d done to make him go.
Everything had been good. Shane looked at me tonight like he’d never done before, and I’d gotten greedy. I didn’t want to be thankful for that one glimpse into his mind, into his fucking soul. Once I’d gotten a taste, it wasn’t enough. I wanted more. I wanted to stay in that little space he had allowed me in. I wanted to hold on tight and never let go. Even as he slipped through my fingers, my grip only tightened.
What happened?
What did I do?
For a few moments, I had him here with me. Everything I yearned for seemed to actually be within my grasp. The little things he did, the way he let me touch him, the way he let me kiss him. I laughed hysterically. Even the way he followed me to give me his hoodie. The bar was on the floor and I didn’t care.
He’d been different.
He’d been hesitant, but the way he let me lead him and the look in his eyes told me he’d wanted it. What was making him hold back? What was it about me that made him fight against our bond? His kisses had been feather light, yet when our lips touched, I burned.
Was I the only one?
I’d been desperate, needy. Ripped myself open and laid it down at his feet. He’d been close to giving in. One second he was kissing me like I was precious and in the next he was throwing me up against this wall. My chest convulsed as I sobbed. I lifted my hand and cupped my face. Closing my eyes, the tears darted down my cheeks as I tried to hold on to the warmth he’d left behind.
What made him switch?
As soon as I looked up at him, he’d already slipped through my fingers. The man that had let me touch him, let me be near when I’d rattled the bars to the cage he locked himself in, had disappeared. And in his place stood the cold-hearted alpha-hole who loathed me. In the blink of an eye, Shane reverted to the man he was when I first met him.
Before I could let myself slide down this wall and cry my heart out pathetically, I pushed off the wall and closed the door he left open. It took everything in me to stop from opening that damn door and running after him. Fiddling with the hem of his hoodie, I headed for my room. Gabe wasn’t home, and I was glad he wasn’t. He didn’t need to see me like this again, and a part of me didn’t want him to hate Shane. I wanted him to continue liking him.
When I got into my room, I slipped out of his hoodie and placed it on my bed. Yanking on the shirt, the buttons popped and I let it fall to the floor before I pulled on a nightdress. I’d been with Chance and Shane tonight. I felt a tinge of guilt when I thought of Chance. He’d been so good to me, given me attention when I craved another. He had been gentle and everything I wanted from Shane.
Not long ago, I had been sure I didn’t want a relationship, and here I was sleeping with two men in one night. Something I never thought I’d ever do. It had only been one night, but it felt like a whole damn week. And my hate had morphed into something else, something more. Or maybe the hate only hid what I didn’t want to see, what I didn’t want to admit.
I wanted to be with Shane.
I’d gone from being money-focused to being Shane-focused. In just a few minutes, I’d opened up and offered myself up to him. I’d been vulnerable, and even though we didn’t talk about it, he knew. He’d rejected me, but he wanted the same. I know he did, could see it, could fucking taste his desire.
I knew I should shower, but I didn’t want to wash his scent from my body. Not yet. Turning off the light, I walked toward my bed. When he left me without a glance back, he’d left me empty and unwanted. I felt abandoned. I laughed bitterly as I climbed into bed next to his hoodie. His scent reached out and surrounded me like a hug. I felt weak and a cold setting into my bones.
Shane flipped my world upside down and even though it hurt right now, I had a choice to make. Reaching out, I ran my fingers down the material. I could still feel his broad shoulders under my arms as I wrapped them around his neck. Could still feel his burning kiss, could still taste him on my tongue. I knew I was spiraling, but Goddess, I just wanted to know why he was like this. My eyelids grow heavy and my body relaxes.
Scooting closer to his hoodie, I didn’t feel an ounce of shame as I envisioned him by my side, staring back at me. My tears leaked like a broken faucet and I knew my eyes would be so puffy, I wouldn’t be able to open them in the morning. I would be pathetic right now. I would miss him, wish he were here, and cling to his scent. I could go back to being the snarky bitch when I woke up.
Tomorrow, I would hate myself.
Tomorrow, I would make a choice.
Tomorrow, I would choose myself, but today?
Today, I choose him.
I dream of a black wolf.
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