Selfish
Things continued like this for a long time—a long time for me, but just a month for others. It didn’t sound like forever, it didn’t sound like an eternity, but it felt like it, it felt longer. Thirty-one more fucking days of answering to his demands, bruised lips, bruised body from stolen kisses, and long nights of wishing for death. After the incident that resulted in a miscarriage, Alpha was careful when he beat me. He made sure to avoid my stomach and torso.
Thirty-one days of furtive fucking at a drop of a hat, forced kisses, and long nights of wishing he’d get tired of me. He liked touching and seeing me when he couldn’t sleep—which felt like it was every night—and I feared the sound of the door creaking open. I hated being forced to endure his presence and having to breathe the same air has him. Most nights when he came, he brought my sister, and she watched. He never stayed longer than the time he needed to fill me with his seed.
I preferred it this way though. I liked that he would leave right after, I liked that he needed to be near me, but wouldn’t show me any kindness. I liked that he brought Ava with him because I was reminded how sick he was. I wouldn’t be fooled, couldn’t be fooled again. Had it not been for Nicole giving me the letter, I would have taken James’ offer and accepted his help in ending my life. I had been on the edge of a cliff and if not for that letter, I would have said yes.
It got to the point to where I would go slack at the sound of the door opening. The more I fought, the worse it got for me. Even when I didn’t fight back, he hurt me. There was nothing left for me to do other than to hold on. So that’s what I did. I held on. I waited. I waited for a man that said he would come for me.
We had a schedule and I was thankful for the time I had away from him when he’d gotten what he wanted. There were times where I caught a scent on him that was familiar, but I couldn’t recognize it. I couldn’t place a name to it, or a face. It wasn’t always there, but sometimes when he would come for me, I would scent it. I didn’t care about who he was seeing, not in the sense that people would think. I wanted him to see other people. I wanted him to become obsessed with someone else.
It was selfish, but I wanted someone else to occupy his mind and his time.
His presence today was out of the ordinary. It wasn’t apart of the schedule, it was odd, but I didn’t put too much thought to it. My throat felt tight and I took short breaths to try and remain calm, but it was hard. Each breath I took felt like I was swallowing a bunch of thumbtacks. The birds chirped outside and I took a deep breath, or tried to. His steps grew closer and I inched away even though I knew it was pointless.
He was here to get a taste before breakfast and I was tired of fighting, so fucking tired. I closed my eyes and he smacked me for not giving him my attention. I didn’t care. He could slap me as much as he wanted, I wouldn’t look into his eyes today. I couldn’t stomach it. Seeing myself reflected in his gaze killed me inside.
He cursed at my disobedience. The floorboards creaked, the headboard slammed violently against the wall, and his disgusting pleasure-induced grunts filled the room. I didn’t react, I laid there while he took what he wanted. I was a doll he played with and threw aside until he thought of me the next day. Despite having the power to draw a response from me, he never brought up the day I miscarried. Now that he knew it was possible, he would sometimes visit twice a day. I guess today would be one of those days. He fucked me hard, as if he could bring back what he’d killed. I almost took pleasure in watching him try so hard. Every week that passed where James told him I wasn’t pregnant was another week I felt satisfaction knowing he wasn’t getting what he wanted. When he was done, he sat on the edge of the bed taking deep breaths.
“You know, you could make this enjoyable if you did something. You’ve enjoyed it before. I know not why you make this so difficult,” Alpha growled. I scoffed. The doors opened and the handmaidens walked in. They bowed and stopped a few feet away from the bed. I didn’t bother covering myself, I just laid there motionless. He cursed, stood up, and threw his shirt on before walking toward the door. “Dress her promptly and deliver her to breakfast.”
The door slammed shut and silence filled the room for all of five seconds before footsteps rushed forward. The handmaidens greeted me and helped me sit. I was led to the vanity Alpha had made for me after the miscarriage. A gift that came from what I assumed was guilt. It was placed between my bed and the large windows. The women washed, brushed, and dressed me. My hair was braided back and a cloak draped around my shoulders.
“To shield you from the cold,” Nicole whispered. I hadn’t realized it was her, I would never forget the kindness she showed me that day when she let me read the letter. She was someone who was kind and tried to help me as best she could within these walls.
“Thank you,” I whispered.
It was all I could say. How could I tell her that I was always cold? It was all I felt in the days that had passed. There was no more heat that warmed my skin, nothing to cheer me up, or make me flush. I had accepted that I was a doll, a plaything for the alpha. My only purpose was to occupy his time when he sought me out. Nicole bowed and half turned toward the door.
“Follow us, Luna. We will accompany you down to the dining hall,” Nicole said.
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