Could
I leaned against his chest as we walked toward the bed. The last two years with Shane had been the best time of my life. He slipped into my room when the sun set and left before it rose. We had a way of doing things and it worked well for us. I wished I could be open with him. I wish I could walk out into the world with him, out into the pack with him holding his hand but that wasn’t in the stars for us. Not yet. It pained me to see him outside of these walls and act as if we were mere acquaintances but at night, he held my body and soul. Shane put me down on the bed and climbed in next to me. He leaned over and blew out the candle. I fought the surge of emotion that threatened to bring tears to my eyes. I wanted so much for us. I wanted, always wanted. It felt like that was all I ever had on my mind. Want. I buried my face into Shane’s chest. I wish I could stay here forever. Shane held me close, as if he were afraid I’d disappear if he didn’t.
“Is something bothering you?” I asked. Shane tensed but didn’t say anything right away.
“No,” he whispered.
“You’re lying,” I said as I poked him in the chest.
“You caught me,” he said as he grabbed my finger and interlocked our fingers together.
“Tell me what’s on your mind?” I asked. “You’d think after all that you’d be in a better mood.”
“What we did was amazing,” Shane laughed. “It can’t get any better than this, can it?” He asked. I swallowed. It could but I didn’t want to get into that with him. I’d just overshare and put the burden on him. There wasn’t much he could do. We held different ranks in the pack and we could never be more. Once he had promised to take me far away from here but I never really believed it. Not after that night anyway. My fate was already decided. I would be leaving with Ethan. Before I had to leave everything I’ve ever known, before I had to leave the one I’d chosen, before I had to succumb to the shit my intended would put me through, I decided to focus on the choice. I decided to focus on being here in the present with him. It’s why I didn’t let myself get into the want. I would have the rest of my life to focus on want and need. I would have the rest of my life to miss Shane. Right now, I needed to be here. I needed to be with him and I refused to let myself not enjoy every minute I had with him. I’d chosen this man and I would enjoy the last bit of time I had with him.
“It can’t get any better than this,” I said. I tried to hide the sadness in my tone. I hoped he didn’t hear it. I couldn’t bear if he could. I leaned up and pressed my lips to his. His hands were warm on my back. I kissed him as if it were the last time. I tried to do that every time. I put everything into kissing him. He groaned.
“If you keep kissing me like that I’m going to throw all logical thought out the window and take you here.”
“Since when were you a logical man, Shane?” I asked.
“That’s not helping,” he chuckled. “Not yet,” he said quietly. I wanted to pout but didn’t. I knew what he meant and although I didn’t know his reason. I liked that we were waiting. I liked that we were looking forward to something. I liked that it felt like we had a future together. I liked that we had the facade of having time left.
“I’ve heard there’s to be a birthday celebration for you,” Shane said.
“Oh?” I asked sleepily.
“Yes. A celebration is to be thrown in your name.”
I knew what this meant. It meant that surrounding packs would be coming. It meant that people would be coming to sniff me out as their mate even though I was already promised to someone. It meant that Ethan would be here. It meant that because I was the reason he was coming here, I would most likely have to spend time with him. I hated that he was taking time away from me. I hated that I couldn’t deny being in his presence when he was here. Two years had passed since I’d seen him last and I’d enjoyed every moment of it. I’d felt a false sense of relief. You could say that I almost forgot about him. You could say that he was the farthest thing from my mind. He only crossed my mind on occasion, usually when I spiraled into the dark pit of despair when I thought of a future I didn’t want. I should be relieved that I got two years without having to see him. I should be happy that I had two years of being with Shane and Shane alone. It still hurt because now that I would be seeing him, it only proved that I didn’t have much time left. It only proved that the sands of time were quickly slipping through my fingers and no matter how hard I tried to hold onto them, I couldn’t. It meant that I would be too busy during the day getting ready and preparing for the celebration that I wouldn’t be able to see Shane. I would be bombarded with maids, braids, and makeup. I wouldn’t have time to spend with him on a day that should have been all about me and what I wanted. If I hadn’t been so tired, I’m sure I would cry.
“Come now, sleep,” Shane murmured into my hair. His voice pulled me from my thoughts. I wanted to stay up but even though I didn’t want to. Even though I wanted to stay up longer because I knew he’d be gone when I woke up, a blanket of tiredness fell over me. The stars twinkled and the moon smiled down at me as I lost the battle to keep my eyes open as they finally fluttered shut.
“I love you,” Shane muttered.
I heard him but I was too tired to respond. I was too tired to feel. All that remained was the sound of his heart beating against my ear and the scent that surrounded me. Darkness enveloped me and I welcomed it.
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