Twin Moon - Chapter 229 - Mad
Zelena.
All those feelings of darkness and loss, the hurt and pain, the emptiness. They were all gone now. All I had to do was look at the beautiful sleeping faces of my babies, and my heart was full. I haven’t named them yet. It doesn’t seem right to do it without Gunner. Though I have some ideas that I'm pretty set on already. In the meantime, I have nicknamed them B. for my sweet little boy, and G. for my very loud little girl. They are both so similar, yet I can already pinpoint their very different characteristics. B. is quiet and rarely cries. He eats like a typical Alpha-son, but he loves to be swaddled and held tight. G. is very vocal about her demands. If she wants something or if something isn’t right, the whole pack, and I'm sure half the town, will hear about it. I think I may have given birth to a Banshee, not a Were. Unlike her brother, G. likes to flail her arms and kick her legs, being swaddled with restricted movement will bring on the apocalypse. Or so she seems to think.
All that being said, their similarities are endless. Each of them have a pair of bright blue eyes, just like their Daddy. They each have smooth creamy pale skin, free of any imperfections. Their tiny little heads are adorned with dark black hair, like their Momma. Their tiny little faces have pouty pink lips and a small squishy noses. If it weren’t for the small round freckle that G. has on her cheekbone, they would be identical. I couldn’t be more in love with them.
I am so full of joy and happiness, it is pouring out of me, quite literally. I find myself crying uncontrollably, even when all I am doing is looking at them. They don’t need to do anything in particular, the waterworks will start at random. Roe said that it’s just hormones, and she was a mess of emotion for days after both Gunner and Nat were born. I do hope she is right, I don’t want to be a sobbing mess forever. Still, with all the love I feel, it still hurts when I remember that he isn’t here. He should have been here, he would have loved to see his babies enter the world. It's not fair that he isn’t, it feels selfish. Perhaps it's just the hormones making me angry, but every time one of the twins does something cute, or makes a face or a sound, I look to see if Gunner saw it too. But then I remember, he isn’t here, he is missing it all, and it gets me mad.
I’m thankful for Tobias, more than I ever have been before. Not only did he help me through the birth, but he has been a constant support since. He sleeps in my room with me now. His soft snores and his body heat help me feel less alone. Especially in the dark of the night when my heart aches the most. All I have to do is curl up into Tobias’s side and let our bond do the rest. I don’t know what I would do without him. G. has him wrapped around her finger, just like I knew she would. I said from the start that if I had a girl, she would have all the boys whipped. I was spot on. When she cries in the night, it’s Tobias who calms her back down. He feeds her, settles her, cuddles with her and puts her back to bed. He is doing everything that Gunner was supposed to do. I am thankful, I really am. But I can’t ignore the pain anymore.
I wish I could breastfeed them. During my breakdown, when I stopped eating or talking, or just existing, I lost too much weight. Even after giving birth to twins, I am sickly thin. My body just isn’t strong enough to produce the milk. I hate myself for it. I feel like I have not only deprived my children of this important nutritional dietary need, but I have also deprived myself of that special bonding moment. No one ever tells you about all the gross stuff that comes after birth. All the bleeding and the hormones, the fear of spontaneously pooping my pants or pissing myself. I never worried about that before. Not to mention the exhaustion. Maybe it’s worse because of how weak I am at the moment, my body is still in recovery mode. Not just not only from the birth, but from my near starvation.
It was dark, possibly early hours of the morning. I had not long ago settled G. back down. After a change, a feed, and a burp, she was out again. Little B. babbled quietly as he stirred awake. I picked him up and held him to my chest. I bounced him gently as I walked quietly around the room. G. was in the bassinet and B. was sound asleep in my arms. Instead of risking it and waking G. again, I laid down on the bed with B. tucked tightly in my arms. I was laying tucked under Tobias’s huge arm, with B. in between us. I just started drifting off again when G. screamed herself awake. Tobias rolled carefully onto his side and kissed B. on the forehead, then did the same to me.
“I got her” he whispered softly. I hummed in response and curled myself around B. pressing my lips to his forehead.
“No, I’ll do it. You were up with her last night” I mumbled incoherently.
“I don’t mind, Momma. I like her cuddles” he chuckled and lifted her from the bassinet. I slowly moved off the bed with B. still in my arms. Tobias had her held up to his face and was smattering kisses over her soft little cheeks, hushing her and whispering how pretty she is.
“She likes you better than she does me” I grunted jealously. I pouted and rolled my lip forward. Tobias chuckled and pulled my head to his chest, he kissed the top of my head and squeezed me gently.
“You’re still my favourite Triple Goddess” he teased. I pushed myself out of his hold and huffed,
“I’m the only Triple Goddess” I clapped back,
“And that’s why you’re my favourite” he chuckled and kissed G. one more time before handing her to me.
“Come on little Alpha, you and me get to have some man time” Tobias said quietly as I shushed him harshly.
“He’s still asleep” I whisper yelled, as he took B. from my arms.
“Fine, big boy cuddles then” he teased and laid back down on the bed with B. in the crook of his elbow. I rocked G. in my arms a little and watched as Tobias ran his huge finger over B.’s smushy cheek, whispering to him softly. Watching Tobias with my pups, seeing how good he is with them, and seeing how much he loves them both, it only makes me more grateful to have him in my life. I decided to go for a walk, hopefully the movement will lull G. back to sleep. I did a few laps of the hallway, and although the screaming stopped, she still kicked and punched her little limbs vigorously. I headed downstairs to grab myself a cool drink. The house was silent, everyone lost in peaceful sleep, or at least I hoped they were, and G. hadn’t woken everyone.
Once in the kitchen, I was drinking from my glass of crisp cold water, when I saw movement through the window on the porch outside. I looked at the clock on the wall, 4:47am. Not too early for warriors and hunters to be moving around, but they never come to the house this early. I held G. closer to my chest and tried to peer out the window. My body was swarming with worry and protectiveness. It tickled and buzzed through my veins like electricity. I strained my eyes through the darkness when the figure walked past the window again. I released the breath I was holding and let my worry fade away. I headed for the front door and stepped out onto the porch.
“Lunaya” I said softly. She stopped her pacing and snapped her head up at me. She looked terrible. Dark circles sat under her eyes, and her hair was an array of messy knots and loose strands. Her body jittered and shook as she stood frozen staring at the bundled blanket in my arms.
“What are you doing awake so early?” I asked as I pulled the door closed behind me and walked over to her, still bouncing G. gently. She didn’t move and didn’t answer my question, just stared at the back of G’s head.
“Lunaya?” I whisper hissed a little louder. She shook her head and looked up at me, forcing a smile onto her fear filled face.
“Couldn’t sleep” she said with a shaky voice.
“I haven’t seen you since the birth” I said sadly,
“I know” she answered and looked back down to G.
“That was four days ago” I said and bent my knees, trying to move my face down to her line of sight, to capture her attention.
“I should go” she snapped and went to turn around. I reached out and grabbed her arm.
“Stop” I demanded of her. She froze but didn’t turn around again.
“What is going on? You were so attentive up until now, and so excited about having a grandchild. What's changed?” I questioned her angrily.
“It doesn’t matter” she answered and tried to push my hand off her,
“It does matter. You're my mother, everything was going so well between us, and now you can’t even look at me. Tell me why!” I said raising my voice. G. gurgled and began her crying once again. I let Lunaya go and shifted G. in my arms, patting her bum and shushing softly into her cheek.
“It’s okay, sweet girl. Momma didn’t mean to yell” I told her gently. I pressed my lips to her cheek and closed my eyes, rubbing the side of my face against hers. When I opened my eyes again, Lunaya was looking at me, tears running down her face in endless streams. I was taken by surprise by her show of emotion. I thought she was mad, angry at me for something. I didn’t realise whatever it is was hitting her so hard.
“I’m sorry” she sobbed and stepped closer.
“Please can I hold her?” she asked with her hands out. I hesitated, looking over her distressed face and shaking frame. I don’t understand where this extreme reaction is coming from. But I still trust her, I know she won’t hurt G. or me. I kissed G’s forehead and carefully placed her in Lunaya’s arms. Lunaya sobbed and pulled G. to her chest, holding her tightly against her body.
“I’m sorry. I'm so sorry” Lunaya cried into the blanket that G. was wrapped in.
“It’s okay. You're here now” I said softly, trying to soothe her.
“This isn’t right. This can’t be right” she cried out, bending her face into the blanket. That got me mad.
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