Regret
Elaine was way too used to having her baby in her womb to think of a day without it. Every day that she slept, her baby accompanied her. When she woke up in the morning, the baby was there in her womb, when she ate, it accompanied her. In whatever she did, her baby was present and the realization that it was no longer a part of her caused her more pain than she ever thought was possible.
At that moment, she finally realized how it felt for a mother to lose their child. It was no emotion that she thought she was ever going to feel, it was so much pain that she wished it was a dream instead, a dream that she wanted to wake up from so bad. She finally realized just how much the baby meant to her, it was her world, the only thing she had that was truly hers.
And now, it was gone like it was never there, leaving the pain in her heart as evidence of its short stay.
“Mrs. Romano, you can’t keep crying. You’re going to fall sick,” the nurse beside her patted her back and tried to console her. “I know how it feels to lose a child. It’s no easy thing at all but you have to be strong. Your baby would’ve wanted that too.”
That only fueled the pain in Elaine’s heart the more and her sobs increased in three folds. She placed her palms on her eyes and sobbed loudly, her body trembling.
“This isn’t true. My…my baby is..is still in my womb. The baby is a Rock, it’s strong.”
“I’m sorry for your loss. It’s so sad.”
“An…and Xavier?” She couldn’t help but ask. They were both grieving.
“Ever since he found out about the miscarriage and after getting treatment for his wound, we haven’t seen him.
I think he might be busy, perhaps we should wait a few more days?”
She shook her head. She already knew the answers to her question. She’d expected it and it made her tears stream down her cheek further.
After several hours of tears and wails in the hospital and the nurse's futile attempt to stop her from crying, Elaine finally wiped the last of her tears and slumped on the bed, her hands hugging a pillow to her chest tightly. She let out the last of her son and succumbed to the tiredness that washed over her from crying so hard.
In her dream, she saw her child waving goodbye to her, in a cute rabbit outfit that she’d loved since day one. The baby waved to her, filled with smiles and when she looked at the baby more deeply, she found out its gender. It was a girl, a baby girl.
She was going to have a strong baby girl that looked just like Xavier. The eyes, the lips, it was crystal clear to her. Her baby was pretty and even in her sleep, she let her tears soak the pillow.
*****
“Are you ready?” Beth asked, her hands around Elaine’s bag as she waited for Elaine to step forward to her.
“Of course.” Elaine slowly made her way to her friend who wrapped her hand around her shoulder for support.
It had been three days since Elaine woke up and even though the nurses had insisted that she stayed for some more time, there was no way she would feel comfortable in the hospital with the memories of losing her daughter there lurking around.
All throughout the days, she’d waited for Xavier to show up and when he didn’t the second day, she came in contact with the fact that they were done. After all, there was no longer a baby. The baby was the only link that kept them connected and now that there was no longer a baby, he wouldn’t want to have anything to do with her, right?
Her thoughts were going haywire.
“Let’s leave then.”
Together, they walked out of the hospital and headed to where Beth’s car was parked. Once they got in, Elaine stared out the window as Beth started the car.
“You really are going to be fine all by yourself?” Beth asked, a hint of worry laced in her voice.
“I’m going to be fine. Starting afresh is never so bad.”
She felt Beth’s palm on hers, caressing it in comfort. “I’m so sorry, Elaine. We were unable to protect the baby.”
“It’ll be okay.”
For the rest of the ride, she looked outside the window, holding back the tears that threatened to stream down her cheek and she clutched her purse tight so that her knuckles almost became white.
Finally, the car stopped in front of an apartment building and Elaine stepped outside after grabbing her bag from the backseat. “I should come in with you,” Beth suggested but she shook her head.
“I’ll be good, Beth. You just go, okay? Take care of things in the office. Thank you.”
At that, she swiveled around and walked into the building, taking the elevator that led to her apartment. Once she opened the door of the apartment and took a step in, she felt the reality of the situation crash over her like a wave, drowning her in grief.
She hadn’t thought that she would return to her apartment so soon. She never thought she would return when in such a state. Right, after days of thinking, she realized it would be a good idea to start her life all over again, return to the apartment she once occupied before getting married to Xavier, go back to her normal way of life, and grieve over her baby.
She stepped into the house, dropped her bag on the floor, and rushed forward to sit on the couch just in time for her tears to burst out for the umpteenth time since she found out about the loss of her baby.
Her tears spilled uncontrollably, her heart filled with regret. She regretted it all, especially the day she let her curiosity get over her and searched Xavier’s basement. But most especially, her whole marriage with Xavier.
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